Sex in Islam
An Islamic Perspective on Sexuality
Muslim Women's League
In Islam, sexuality is considered part of our identity as human beings. In His creation of humankind, God distinguished us from other animals by giving us reason and will such that we can control behavior that, in other species, is governed solely by instinct. So, although sexual relations ultimately can result in the reproduction and survival of the human race, an instinctual concept, our capacity for self-control allows us to regulate this behavior. Also, the mere fact that human beings are the only creatures who engage in sexual relations once they are beyond the physical capacity for reproduction, sets us apart from all other species which engage in sex for the sole purpose of reproduction.
Marriage
For Muslims, based on an understanding of Qur'an and hadith, sexual relations are confined to marriage between a wife and husband. Within this context, the role of a healthy sexual relationship is extremely important. Having and raising children are encouraged among Muslims. Once a child is born, the parents are expected to care for, nurture and prepare the child for adulthood, with a goal of imparting Islam so that the indivdual is equipped with knowledge and willingness to accept and practice Islam and thus become a productive member of society.
Beyond childbearing, sexual relations assume a prominent role in the overall well-being of the marriage. In reading hadith, one is impressed with the Prophet's ability to discuss all issues including those dealing with human sexuality. The topics range from questions about menstruation to orgasm. He apparently was not embarassed by such inquiries, but strove to adequately guide and inform the Muslims who asked. Both Qur'an and hadith allude to the nature of sexual relations as a means of attaining mutual satisfaction, closeness and compassion between a wife and husband. "Permitted to you on the night of the Fasts is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and you are their garments."(2:187) Also, Muslims are advised to avoid sexual intercourse during menses so as not to cause discomfort to the woman (2:222).
The goal of marriage is to create tenderness between two individuals and satisfy the very basic human need for companionship. "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you; in this are signs for those who think."(30:21) The hadith which address this issue are numerous. The Prophet himself, while not divulging all aspects of his own sexual life, was known for his nature as a loving husband who was sensitive and physically demonstrative. In several hadith, he speaks about the importance of foreplay and speaking in loving terms during sexual relations. Again, the concept of mutual satisfaction is elucidated in a hadith which advises husbands to engage in acts that enable a woman to achieve orgasm first. (see Ihya ulum-id-din (Revival of Religious Learning) by Imam Ghazzali, chapter on Marriage). Sexual dissatisfaction is considered legitimate grounds for divorce on the part of either wife or husband.
Sex Outside of Marriage
Naturally, attraction between individuals is necessary to initiate a relationship that leads to marriage. But sexual relations can obviously take place between any couple, consenting or not. Because of the far-reaching ramifications of sexual relations outside of marriage, Muslims are prohibited by God from such behavior. And because the process that leads to physical attraction and ultimately intimacy is part of human nature, Muslims are advised to behave in a way and avoid circumstances that could potentially result in extra- or pre-marital sex. Modesty in dress and behavior between women and men figures prominently as a means of exhibiting self-control. Similarly, unmarried couples are admonished against spending time alone in isolated places where they would be more likely to act on their feelings and thus be less inhibited.
Some of the negative results of sex outside of marriage include the potential for unwanted pregnancies, transmission of sexually transmitted diseases, disruption of the family and marriage (in cases of adultery), and emotional and psychological difficulties resulting from the lack of commitment associated with most relationships outside of marriage. As in other religions, extra- and pre-marital sex are considered major sins. Muslims believe that God does not simply forbid or allow behavior whimsically, but does so with our best interest at heart, guiding us away from potentially destructive behavior and towards behavior that allows us to achieve our most fulfilling potentials as human beings. For a similar reason, Muslims give up the consumption of alcohol because of faith in God's wisdom that the negative effects outweigh the positive for individuals and society at large. "Whoever submits his whole self to God, and is a doer of good, has grasped indeed the most trustworthy handhold..."{(31:22)
Contraception
Although Muslims are encouraged to have children, contraception is not prohibited. The method used during the time of the Prophet was coitus interruptus (known as 'azl) about which several hadith exist. His basic response when asked if such a practice was lawful was that individuals can do as they will, but if God intends for a child to be born, she/he will be born. Some interpreted this to mean that preventing pregnancy is not recommended because child-bearing is preferred; yet the act is not specifically prohibited. Also, other hadith stipulate that 'azl could not be practiced without the wife's consent as it might interfere with her sexual satisfaction or desire to bear children.
By analogy, the methods that exist today as contraceptives are lawful for Muslims to use at their discretion. Basically, it is our position that any method that does not involve pregnancy termination is permissible. Imam al-Ghazzali (see previous reference) lists a number of legitimate reasons for practicing contraception, including financial difficulty, emotional or psychological hardship of having many children, and even the preservation of beauty and health.
It should be clear from this discussion, that since sexual relations should be confined to marriage, contraception is so limited. It is not considered a means of easing the difficulties associated with sexual relations outside of marriage.
Abortion
Abortion is viewed in the same context as having relevance only regarding pregnancies occurring in marriage, again, not as a response to conception as a result of extra- or pre-marital relationships. Early Muslim jurists considered abortion lawful for a variety of reasons until 40 -120 days after conception (first trimester). This was based on interpretation of Qur'an (22:4 and 23:12-14) and hadith that implied that ensoulment or 'life' did not exist until after that time (see Sex and Society in Islam, B.F. Musallam, Cambridge University Press, 1983). Contemporary thinkers, considering available technology that allows visualization of the embryonic heartbeat at four weeks of gestation, are of the position that life begins much earlier than previously thought, and therefore to terminate would be to take a life illegally.
The majority of Muslims today believe that abortion is allowed only if the mother's life is significantly endangered by the pregnancy. Some also feel that the presence of certain congenital anomalies (particularly those that are lethal) make abortion lawful. Also, some scholars consider abortion appropriate in pregnancies resulting from rape or incest.
Homosexuality
Human beings are capable of many forms of sexual expression, orientation and identification. The existence of such a variety again is not found in any other species and thus further demonstrates our uniqueness among God's creations. The potential for behavior, such as homosexuality, does not mean that its practice is lawful in the eyes of God. Therefore, individuals are expected to control themselves and not act on their desires if such action is contrary to the guidelines of Islam. Homosexuality, like other forms of sexual relations outside of heterosexual marriage, is thus prohibited. In any discussion of prohibited acts follows the question of what happens if they nevertheless occur. The Qur'an and hadith are explicit regarding severe punishment by the State if a person is convicted of such a crime. However, in order for conviction to take place, the individuals must confess or be accused by at least four eyewitnesses of the act of actual intercourse. Obviously, the likelihood of these criteria being met is small which means that most couples who engage in unlawful acts will not be punished by the State. They will then deal with the consequences of their behavior in this life and will be accountable to God on the Day of Judgement. How He ultimately judges is known only by Him.
Sex Education
Clearly, from the above discussion, Islam is explicit about many aspects of human sexuality. Also, based on the numerous hadith showing the Prophet's willingness to discuss these matters openly, it should be obvious that education about matters related to sex is acceptable. Muslims may disagree about the age at which sex education begins; some don't discuss the subject at all. Explaining anatomy and the changes one's body experiences during puberty are essential for enabling young people to grow up with a healthy self-image. Also, in an age where sexual activity in many countries begins at an early age, Muslim adolescents must be informed to better enable them to deal with peer pressure. Sex education can be taught in a way that informs young people about sexuality in scientific and moral terms. In countries with very diverse populations, such as the United States, the main limitation in developing sex education curricula, particularly in public schools, is the inability to select a universally acceptable moral position. Therefore, young people are given facts and information, and advised that if they choose to engage in sexual relationships, they should take measures to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. The moral and religious aspects of sexuality can be incorporated either in schools of a particular religious denomination or in adjunctive coursework offered by religious institutions. Regardless of the challenges of each society, young people must be adequately informed. Also, in some Muslim communities, individuals are encouraged to marry at young ages. They need to be educated regarding sexuality prior to the marriage such that they know what to expect and can consider their options for birth control prior to consummating the marriage.
Female Genital Mutilation
The practice of clitoridectomy preceded the introduction of Islam in Arabia and in different parts of Africa. This results in severe sexual debilitation of women who cannot possibly achieve sexual fulfillment which is their right as Muslims. Therefore, this practice is totally unIslamic because it is in direct violation of both Qur'an and hadith which clearly stress the importance of sexual satisfaction for both the husband and wife.
This article was copied from the Muslim Women's League (MWL) home page.
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Articles About Sex in Islam
Monday, 21 February 2011
NIKAH: WIFE'S OBLIGATIONS
NIKAH: WIFE'S OBLIGATIONS
by Ml I Khamisa for Al-Jamiat Magazine
Many prospective wives seem to have their hopes dashed after they enter into the contract of marriage. Once the honeymoon is over, suddenly things are not so rosy any more, and the reality of married life seems to be a far cry from the Haraam movies which many have been watching or the novels which end up with ‘and they lived happily ever after’. In a world where it has become fashionable to engage in immoral activities and illicit relationships, it is becoming increasingly difficult to convince people that marriage is an important component of a pure society.
What guidelines does the Shariáh give the wife to help cement the relationship between herself and her husband?
The Qurãn in Surah Shuáraa (v74), describes the prayer of the pious in the following manner: ‘Oh our lord! Grant us wives and offspring who will be the joy and comfort of our eyes.’ The explanation of the above verse is clearly illustrated in the beautiful words of Nabi (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) (as narrated by ibn Abbaas) ‘The best woman (wife) is the one whom, when you look at her she pleases you, when you command her she obeys you, when you are not in her presence she safeguards herself and your belongings.’
Today, the wife adorns herself for weddings and other social events, beautifying herself to attract the attention of everyone else besides the one who is most important in her life. The husband comes home tired from work, only to find his wife shabbily dressed, too glued to the drama on TV to even reply to the Salaam of her husband. Meal times and other household duties are dictated by the box. The children are sent away to their rooms with the words ‘Go to your room and read your Qurãn - or finish up your homework.’ These words, mind you, are not uttered because of some great concern for the child’s education; in fact it is only mentioned to get them out of the way.
Remember! Your children may not do what you ask them to do, but they very often do what they see you do. What kind of example are we setting for these impressionable young minds?
Unrealistic demands made by the wife do not help much to strengthen the marital bond. Being dictated by fashion and the way the people next door are living, the wife forces the husband to beg and borrow just to keep up with the Jones’s. ‘If your brother’s wife can have it, then why can’t I?’ ‘Well your sister has it in her house.’ Comparing ourselves with those who have more than us does not help to relieve tension between husband and wife. The words of Nabi (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) beautifully explain:
‘Look at those who have less than you, do not look at those who have more than you, (if you do so) then you are more likely to appreciate Allah’s favours upon you.’
If a man had to choose a wife according to the guidelines given by Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam), what kind of a person was he to look for? The Hadith states: ‘A woman is married for four (things); her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So choose (marry) the religious woman, otherwise you will be a loser.’
The most important quality of the wife is consciousness of her Islamic responsibilities. How Deeni conscious are you? How supportive are you of your husband when he is engaged in Deeni activities? Are you preventing him from serving humanity?
The Qurãn in Surah Rum (v21) explains the purpose of marriage as a source of comfort for both partners. No one has married ‘Mr Perfect’ and no one is perfect! Are you making the environment in the home conducive to living in peace and harmony or does your husband feel that he rather be at work than at home with you?
What degree of obedience does the Shariáh command the wife to have for her husband? A Hadith of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) explains, ‘If I had to command anyone to prostrate to somebody, I would have commanded the wife to prostrate before her husband.’ However, if your husband commands you to do something against the Shariáh you do not have to obey him.
If the objectives of both husband and wife are to please Allah, the couple will find more common ground on which to build the relationship.
-by Ml I Khamisa
by Ml I Khamisa for Al-Jamiat Magazine
Many prospective wives seem to have their hopes dashed after they enter into the contract of marriage. Once the honeymoon is over, suddenly things are not so rosy any more, and the reality of married life seems to be a far cry from the Haraam movies which many have been watching or the novels which end up with ‘and they lived happily ever after’. In a world where it has become fashionable to engage in immoral activities and illicit relationships, it is becoming increasingly difficult to convince people that marriage is an important component of a pure society.
What guidelines does the Shariáh give the wife to help cement the relationship between herself and her husband?
The Qurãn in Surah Shuáraa (v74), describes the prayer of the pious in the following manner: ‘Oh our lord! Grant us wives and offspring who will be the joy and comfort of our eyes.’ The explanation of the above verse is clearly illustrated in the beautiful words of Nabi (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) (as narrated by ibn Abbaas) ‘The best woman (wife) is the one whom, when you look at her she pleases you, when you command her she obeys you, when you are not in her presence she safeguards herself and your belongings.’
Today, the wife adorns herself for weddings and other social events, beautifying herself to attract the attention of everyone else besides the one who is most important in her life. The husband comes home tired from work, only to find his wife shabbily dressed, too glued to the drama on TV to even reply to the Salaam of her husband. Meal times and other household duties are dictated by the box. The children are sent away to their rooms with the words ‘Go to your room and read your Qurãn - or finish up your homework.’ These words, mind you, are not uttered because of some great concern for the child’s education; in fact it is only mentioned to get them out of the way.
Remember! Your children may not do what you ask them to do, but they very often do what they see you do. What kind of example are we setting for these impressionable young minds?
Unrealistic demands made by the wife do not help much to strengthen the marital bond. Being dictated by fashion and the way the people next door are living, the wife forces the husband to beg and borrow just to keep up with the Jones’s. ‘If your brother’s wife can have it, then why can’t I?’ ‘Well your sister has it in her house.’ Comparing ourselves with those who have more than us does not help to relieve tension between husband and wife. The words of Nabi (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) beautifully explain:
‘Look at those who have less than you, do not look at those who have more than you, (if you do so) then you are more likely to appreciate Allah’s favours upon you.’
If a man had to choose a wife according to the guidelines given by Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam), what kind of a person was he to look for? The Hadith states: ‘A woman is married for four (things); her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So choose (marry) the religious woman, otherwise you will be a loser.’
The most important quality of the wife is consciousness of her Islamic responsibilities. How Deeni conscious are you? How supportive are you of your husband when he is engaged in Deeni activities? Are you preventing him from serving humanity?
The Qurãn in Surah Rum (v21) explains the purpose of marriage as a source of comfort for both partners. No one has married ‘Mr Perfect’ and no one is perfect! Are you making the environment in the home conducive to living in peace and harmony or does your husband feel that he rather be at work than at home with you?
What degree of obedience does the Shariáh command the wife to have for her husband? A Hadith of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) explains, ‘If I had to command anyone to prostrate to somebody, I would have commanded the wife to prostrate before her husband.’ However, if your husband commands you to do something against the Shariáh you do not have to obey him.
If the objectives of both husband and wife are to please Allah, the couple will find more common ground on which to build the relationship.
-by Ml I Khamisa
NIKAH: HUSBAND'S OBLIGATIONS
NIKAH: HUSBAND'S OBLIGATIONS
by Ml I Khamisa for Al-Jamiat Magazine
Have you ever pondered over the Khutbah which the Imaam recited to you before you enthusiastically uttered ‘Nakahtuhaa Wa Qabiltuhaa Wa Tazawwajtuhaa?’
Let me help you and shed some light over this contract which you have made yourself party to, that is ‘The Nikah Contract’. The Imaam recited to you three verses from the Noble Qurãn:
Surah Nissa (4) verse 1
O Mankind Fear your guardian Lord who created you from a single soul, and He created from it its mate and from them He scattered many men and women…
Surah Aale Imraan (3) verse 102
O Ye who believe! Fear Allah as He should be feared and die not except in a state of Islam.
Surah Ahzaab (33) verse 70
O Ye who believe. Fear Allah and make your utterances straight.
TAQWA
The common element in each of these verses is the Arabic word ‘Taqwa’ (God Consciousness). In these verses you are reminded to fear Allah Taãla in the manner you treat the lady you are taking as your wife. There is no one to see the way you conduct yourself within your home. Let the fact and belief that Allah is watching guide you in your treatment of the woman you have made your wife by granting her the respect and dignity she deserves.
You have brought somebody’s daughter into your own home. She left her family, her friends, close associates and in many cases even the town that she grew up in and she came to a strange environment just to share the rest of her life with you. Was she handed over to you to be a target of your physical and verbal abuse?
The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) is reported to have said in connection with the treatment of animals: ‘Fear Allah in your treatment of these animals who cannot speak.’ If this was his concern for the animals, how tremendously greater would his concern have been for humans; therefore, can you imagine what his reaction would have been to the wife battering that takes place nowadays?
What then are the most important ingredients of a happy marriage? Allah Taãla says in Surah Roum (30) verse 21.
‘And from amongst His signs is that He created for you from amongst yourselves partners, that you may live in tranquility with them, and He has created love and mercy between you. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.’
It is this love and mercy that strengthens the bond of marriage. The ability to overlook each other’s faults goes a long way in cementing the relationship. Once a man came to Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) and said, ‘O Allah’s messenger, how many times should I forgive the wrongs of my slaves.’ The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) replied, ‘Forgive them seventy times a day.’ If a worker is entitled to so much of compassion what about your lifelong companion?
BEST OF YOU
Today, we are very courteous to our clients, appreciative to our colleagues and cheerful to our friends. Unfortunately this warmth is not extended to the poor wife who is most deserving of this courtesy and charm. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) is reported to have said, ‘The most complete of believers in faith are those who are best in character. The best of you are those who are best to their wives.’ (Mishkat)
Every person has shortcomings. It is therefore quite natural to find this in your partner. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) has advised us to take pleasure in the good and overlook the bad. Have you ever spared the thought that there may be so many habits which you possess that may be bringing grief to your wife? She may have been patiently bearing it not wanting to hurt your feelings.
Let us go back and fulfil the demands of this contract.
TREAT YOUR WIFE AS YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR SON-IN-LAW TO TREAT YOUR DAUGHTER.
by Ml I Khamisa for Al-Jamiat Magazine
Have you ever pondered over the Khutbah which the Imaam recited to you before you enthusiastically uttered ‘Nakahtuhaa Wa Qabiltuhaa Wa Tazawwajtuhaa?’
Let me help you and shed some light over this contract which you have made yourself party to, that is ‘The Nikah Contract’. The Imaam recited to you three verses from the Noble Qurãn:
Surah Nissa (4) verse 1
O Mankind Fear your guardian Lord who created you from a single soul, and He created from it its mate and from them He scattered many men and women…
Surah Aale Imraan (3) verse 102
O Ye who believe! Fear Allah as He should be feared and die not except in a state of Islam.
Surah Ahzaab (33) verse 70
O Ye who believe. Fear Allah and make your utterances straight.
TAQWA
The common element in each of these verses is the Arabic word ‘Taqwa’ (God Consciousness). In these verses you are reminded to fear Allah Taãla in the manner you treat the lady you are taking as your wife. There is no one to see the way you conduct yourself within your home. Let the fact and belief that Allah is watching guide you in your treatment of the woman you have made your wife by granting her the respect and dignity she deserves.
You have brought somebody’s daughter into your own home. She left her family, her friends, close associates and in many cases even the town that she grew up in and she came to a strange environment just to share the rest of her life with you. Was she handed over to you to be a target of your physical and verbal abuse?
The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) is reported to have said in connection with the treatment of animals: ‘Fear Allah in your treatment of these animals who cannot speak.’ If this was his concern for the animals, how tremendously greater would his concern have been for humans; therefore, can you imagine what his reaction would have been to the wife battering that takes place nowadays?
What then are the most important ingredients of a happy marriage? Allah Taãla says in Surah Roum (30) verse 21.
‘And from amongst His signs is that He created for you from amongst yourselves partners, that you may live in tranquility with them, and He has created love and mercy between you. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.’
It is this love and mercy that strengthens the bond of marriage. The ability to overlook each other’s faults goes a long way in cementing the relationship. Once a man came to Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) and said, ‘O Allah’s messenger, how many times should I forgive the wrongs of my slaves.’ The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) replied, ‘Forgive them seventy times a day.’ If a worker is entitled to so much of compassion what about your lifelong companion?
BEST OF YOU
Today, we are very courteous to our clients, appreciative to our colleagues and cheerful to our friends. Unfortunately this warmth is not extended to the poor wife who is most deserving of this courtesy and charm. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) is reported to have said, ‘The most complete of believers in faith are those who are best in character. The best of you are those who are best to their wives.’ (Mishkat)
Every person has shortcomings. It is therefore quite natural to find this in your partner. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) has advised us to take pleasure in the good and overlook the bad. Have you ever spared the thought that there may be so many habits which you possess that may be bringing grief to your wife? She may have been patiently bearing it not wanting to hurt your feelings.
Let us go back and fulfil the demands of this contract.
TREAT YOUR WIFE AS YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR SON-IN-LAW TO TREAT YOUR DAUGHTER.
How to Make Your Wife Happy
How to Make Your Wife Happy
by Sheikh Mohammed Abdelhaleem Hamed
(NOTE: To help strengthening the Muslim families and spread the teachings of Islam
in building families, the Muslim Students' Association at the University of
Alberta prepared a extremely summarized translation for two books. The
books are Arabic by Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed. An Egyptian scholar,
who graduated from the Islamic University of AlMadinah Al-Munawwarah in
Saudi Arabia. The two books are:
1- How to make your wife happy
2- How to make your husband happy
They exceed the traditional presentation of stating rights and duties to the 'Adab (good
manners) and extend into application of these rights in daily life. The
following summary highlights mainly the responsibilities or examples of what
could or should be done. Every single item mentioned by the author is
supported by evidences from Qur'an, Sunnah or the actions of the companions,
but evidences are omitted in this translation.)
---------------------------------------------
1. Beautiful Reception
After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you:
* begin with a good greeting.
* Start with Assalamau 'Aliaykum and a smile. Salam is a sunnah and a du'aa for her as well.
* Shake her hand and leave bad news for later!
2. Sweet Speech and Enchanting Invitations
* Choose words that are positive and avoid negative ones.
* Give her your attention when you speak of she speaks.
* Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands.
* Call her with the nice names that she likes, e.g. my sweet-heart, honey, saaliha, etc.
3. Friendliness and Recreation
* Spend time talking together.
* Spread to her goods news.
* Remember your good memories together.
4. Games and Distractions
* Joking around & having a sense of humor.
* Playing and competing with each other in sports or whatever.
* Taking her to watch permissible (halal) types of entertainment.
* Avoiding prohibited (haram) things in your choices of entertainment.
5. Assistance in the Household
* Doing what you as an individual can/like to do that helps out, especially if she is sick or tired.
* The most important thing is making it obvious that he appreciates her hard work.
6. Consultation (Shurah)
* Specifically in family matters.
* Giving her the feeling that her opinion is important to you.
* Studying her opinion carefully.
* Be willing to change an opinion for hers if it is better.
* Thanking her for helping him with her opinions.
7. Visiting Others
* Choosing well raised people to build relations with. There is a great reward in visiting relatives and pious people. (Not in wasting time while visiting!)
* Pay attention to ensure Islamic manners during visits.
* Not forcing her to visit whom she does not feel comfortable with.
8. Conduct During Travel
* Offer a warm farewell and good advice.
* Ask her to pray for him.
* Ask pious relatives and friends to take care of the family in your absence.
* Give her enough money for what she might need.
* Try to stay in touch with her whether by phone, e-mail, letters, etc..
* Return as soon as possible.
* Bring her a gift!
* Avoid returning at an unexpected time or at night.
* Take her with you if possible.
9. Financial Support
* The husband needs to be generous within his financial capabilities. He should not be a miser with his money (nor wasteful).
* He gets rewards for all what he spends on her sustenance even for a small piece of bread that he feeds her by his hand (hadeith).
* He is strongly encouraged to give to her before she asks him.
10. Smelling Good and Physical Beautification
* Following the Sunnah in removing hair from the groin and underarms.
* Always being clean and neat.
* Put on perfume for her.
11. Intercourse
* It is obligatory to do it habitually if you have no excuse (sickness, etc.)
* Start with "Bismillah" and the authentic du'a.
* Enter into her in the proper place only (not the anus).
* Begin with foreplay including words of love.
* Continue until you have satisfied her desire.
* Relax and joke around afterwards.
* Avoid intercourse during the monthly period because it haram
* Do what you can to avoid damaging her level of Hiyaa (shyness and modesty) such as taking your clothes together instead of asking her to do it first while he is looking on.
* Avoid positions during intercourse that may harm her such as putting pressure on her chest and blocking her breath, especially if you are heavy.
* Choose suitable times for intercourse and be considerate as sometimes she maybe sick or exhausted.
12. Guarding Privacy
* Avoid disclosing private information such as bedroom secrets, her personal problems and other private matters.
13. Aiding in the Obedience to Allah
* Wake her up in the last third of the night to pray "Qiam-ul-Layl" (extra prayer done at night with long sujood and ruku'ua).
* Teach her what you know of the Qur'an and its tafseer.
* Teach her "Dhikr" (ways to remember Allah by the example of the prophet) in the morning and evening.
* Encourage her to spend money for the sake of Allah such as in a charity sale.
* Take her to Hajj and Umrah when you can afford to do so.
14. Showing Respect for her Family and Friends
* Take her to visit her family and relatives, especially her parents.
* Invite them to visit her and welcome them.
* Give them presents on special occasions.
* Help them when needed with money, effort, etc..
* Keep good relations with her family after her death if she dies first.
Also in this case the husband is encouraged to follow the sunnah and keep giving what she used to give in her life to her friends and family.
15. (Islamic) Training & Admonition
This includes
* The basics of Islam
* Her duties and rights
* Reading and writing
* Encouraging her to attend lessons and halaqahs
* Islamic rules (ahkam) related to women
* Buying Islamic books and tapes for the home library
16. Admirable Jealousy
* Ensure she is wearing proper hijab before leaving house.
* Restrict free mixing with non-mahram men.
* Avoiding excess jealousy. Examples of this are:
1- Analyzing every word and sentence she says and overloading her speech by meanings that she did not mean.
2- Preventing her from going out of the house when the reasons are just.
3- Preventing her from answering the phone.
4- etc.
17. Patience and Mildness
* Problems are expected in every marriage so this is normal. What is wrong is excessive responses and magnifying problems until a marital breakdown.
* Anger should be shown when she exceeds the boundaries of Allah SWT, by delaying prayers, backbiting, watching prohibited scenes on TV, etc..
* Forgive the mistakes she does to you (See item 18).
* How can you best correct her mistakes?
1- First, implicit and explicit advice several times.
2- Then by turning your back to her in bed (displaying your feelings). Note that this does not include leaving the bedroom to another room, leaving the house to another place, or not talking with her.
3- The last solution is lightly hitting (when allowable) her. (Zawaj.com Editor's note: We do NOT agree with or endorse this particar suggestion. We are printing this article as it was written, however we believe that striking a woman is not an acceptable solution to problems. In fact, it contradicts all of the other advice offered in this article.) In this case, the hsuband should consider the following: - He should know that sunnah is to avoid beating as the Prophet PBUH never beat a woman or a servant. - He should do it only in extreme cases of disobedience, e.g. refusing intercourse without cause frequently, constantly not praying on time, leaving the house for long periods of time without permission nor refusing to tell him where she had been, etc.
- It should not be done except after having turned from her bed and discussing the matter with her as mentioned in Qur'an.
- He should not hit her hard injuring her, or hit her on her face or on sensitive parts of her body.
- He should avoid shaming her such as by hitting her with a shoe, etc.
18. Pardoning and Appropriate Censure
* Accounting her only for larger mistakes.
* Forgive mistakes done to him but account her for mistakes done in Allah's rights, e.g. delaying prayers, etc..
* Remember all the good she does whenever she makes a mistake.
* Remember that all humans err so try to find excuses for her such as maybe she is tired, sad, having her monthly cycle or that her commitment to Islam is growing.
* Avoid attacking her for the bad cooking of the food as the Prophet PBUH never blamed any of his wives for this. If he likes the food, he eats and if he doesn't then he does not eat and does not comment.
* Before declaring her to be in error, try other indirect approaches that are more subtle than direct accusations.
* Escape from using insults and words that may hurt her feelings.
* When it becomes necessary to discuss a problem wait until you have privacy from others.
* Waiting until the anger has subsided a bit can help to keep a control on your words.
Finally, please make Du'a for the writer; Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed,
for the translator brother Abu Talhah and for reviewer Br. Adam Qurashi. Remember this is not a perfect translation so forgive us our faults and correct our errors.
Muslim Students' Association
University of Alberta
Edmonton, Canada
February, 1999
by Sheikh Mohammed Abdelhaleem Hamed
(NOTE: To help strengthening the Muslim families and spread the teachings of Islam
in building families, the Muslim Students' Association at the University of
Alberta prepared a extremely summarized translation for two books. The
books are Arabic by Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed. An Egyptian scholar,
who graduated from the Islamic University of AlMadinah Al-Munawwarah in
Saudi Arabia. The two books are:
1- How to make your wife happy
2- How to make your husband happy
They exceed the traditional presentation of stating rights and duties to the 'Adab (good
manners) and extend into application of these rights in daily life. The
following summary highlights mainly the responsibilities or examples of what
could or should be done. Every single item mentioned by the author is
supported by evidences from Qur'an, Sunnah or the actions of the companions,
but evidences are omitted in this translation.)
---------------------------------------------
1. Beautiful Reception
After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you:
* begin with a good greeting.
* Start with Assalamau 'Aliaykum and a smile. Salam is a sunnah and a du'aa for her as well.
* Shake her hand and leave bad news for later!
2. Sweet Speech and Enchanting Invitations
* Choose words that are positive and avoid negative ones.
* Give her your attention when you speak of she speaks.
* Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands.
* Call her with the nice names that she likes, e.g. my sweet-heart, honey, saaliha, etc.
3. Friendliness and Recreation
* Spend time talking together.
* Spread to her goods news.
* Remember your good memories together.
4. Games and Distractions
* Joking around & having a sense of humor.
* Playing and competing with each other in sports or whatever.
* Taking her to watch permissible (halal) types of entertainment.
* Avoiding prohibited (haram) things in your choices of entertainment.
5. Assistance in the Household
* Doing what you as an individual can/like to do that helps out, especially if she is sick or tired.
* The most important thing is making it obvious that he appreciates her hard work.
6. Consultation (Shurah)
* Specifically in family matters.
* Giving her the feeling that her opinion is important to you.
* Studying her opinion carefully.
* Be willing to change an opinion for hers if it is better.
* Thanking her for helping him with her opinions.
7. Visiting Others
* Choosing well raised people to build relations with. There is a great reward in visiting relatives and pious people. (Not in wasting time while visiting!)
* Pay attention to ensure Islamic manners during visits.
* Not forcing her to visit whom she does not feel comfortable with.
8. Conduct During Travel
* Offer a warm farewell and good advice.
* Ask her to pray for him.
* Ask pious relatives and friends to take care of the family in your absence.
* Give her enough money for what she might need.
* Try to stay in touch with her whether by phone, e-mail, letters, etc..
* Return as soon as possible.
* Bring her a gift!
* Avoid returning at an unexpected time or at night.
* Take her with you if possible.
9. Financial Support
* The husband needs to be generous within his financial capabilities. He should not be a miser with his money (nor wasteful).
* He gets rewards for all what he spends on her sustenance even for a small piece of bread that he feeds her by his hand (hadeith).
* He is strongly encouraged to give to her before she asks him.
10. Smelling Good and Physical Beautification
* Following the Sunnah in removing hair from the groin and underarms.
* Always being clean and neat.
* Put on perfume for her.
11. Intercourse
* It is obligatory to do it habitually if you have no excuse (sickness, etc.)
* Start with "Bismillah" and the authentic du'a.
* Enter into her in the proper place only (not the anus).
* Begin with foreplay including words of love.
* Continue until you have satisfied her desire.
* Relax and joke around afterwards.
* Avoid intercourse during the monthly period because it haram
* Do what you can to avoid damaging her level of Hiyaa (shyness and modesty) such as taking your clothes together instead of asking her to do it first while he is looking on.
* Avoid positions during intercourse that may harm her such as putting pressure on her chest and blocking her breath, especially if you are heavy.
* Choose suitable times for intercourse and be considerate as sometimes she maybe sick or exhausted.
12. Guarding Privacy
* Avoid disclosing private information such as bedroom secrets, her personal problems and other private matters.
13. Aiding in the Obedience to Allah
* Wake her up in the last third of the night to pray "Qiam-ul-Layl" (extra prayer done at night with long sujood and ruku'ua).
* Teach her what you know of the Qur'an and its tafseer.
* Teach her "Dhikr" (ways to remember Allah by the example of the prophet) in the morning and evening.
* Encourage her to spend money for the sake of Allah such as in a charity sale.
* Take her to Hajj and Umrah when you can afford to do so.
14. Showing Respect for her Family and Friends
* Take her to visit her family and relatives, especially her parents.
* Invite them to visit her and welcome them.
* Give them presents on special occasions.
* Help them when needed with money, effort, etc..
* Keep good relations with her family after her death if she dies first.
Also in this case the husband is encouraged to follow the sunnah and keep giving what she used to give in her life to her friends and family.
15. (Islamic) Training & Admonition
This includes
* The basics of Islam
* Her duties and rights
* Reading and writing
* Encouraging her to attend lessons and halaqahs
* Islamic rules (ahkam) related to women
* Buying Islamic books and tapes for the home library
16. Admirable Jealousy
* Ensure she is wearing proper hijab before leaving house.
* Restrict free mixing with non-mahram men.
* Avoiding excess jealousy. Examples of this are:
1- Analyzing every word and sentence she says and overloading her speech by meanings that she did not mean.
2- Preventing her from going out of the house when the reasons are just.
3- Preventing her from answering the phone.
4- etc.
17. Patience and Mildness
* Problems are expected in every marriage so this is normal. What is wrong is excessive responses and magnifying problems until a marital breakdown.
* Anger should be shown when she exceeds the boundaries of Allah SWT, by delaying prayers, backbiting, watching prohibited scenes on TV, etc..
* Forgive the mistakes she does to you (See item 18).
* How can you best correct her mistakes?
1- First, implicit and explicit advice several times.
2- Then by turning your back to her in bed (displaying your feelings). Note that this does not include leaving the bedroom to another room, leaving the house to another place, or not talking with her.
3- The last solution is lightly hitting (when allowable) her. (Zawaj.com Editor's note: We do NOT agree with or endorse this particar suggestion. We are printing this article as it was written, however we believe that striking a woman is not an acceptable solution to problems. In fact, it contradicts all of the other advice offered in this article.) In this case, the hsuband should consider the following: - He should know that sunnah is to avoid beating as the Prophet PBUH never beat a woman or a servant. - He should do it only in extreme cases of disobedience, e.g. refusing intercourse without cause frequently, constantly not praying on time, leaving the house for long periods of time without permission nor refusing to tell him where she had been, etc.
- It should not be done except after having turned from her bed and discussing the matter with her as mentioned in Qur'an.
- He should not hit her hard injuring her, or hit her on her face or on sensitive parts of her body.
- He should avoid shaming her such as by hitting her with a shoe, etc.
18. Pardoning and Appropriate Censure
* Accounting her only for larger mistakes.
* Forgive mistakes done to him but account her for mistakes done in Allah's rights, e.g. delaying prayers, etc..
* Remember all the good she does whenever she makes a mistake.
* Remember that all humans err so try to find excuses for her such as maybe she is tired, sad, having her monthly cycle or that her commitment to Islam is growing.
* Avoid attacking her for the bad cooking of the food as the Prophet PBUH never blamed any of his wives for this. If he likes the food, he eats and if he doesn't then he does not eat and does not comment.
* Before declaring her to be in error, try other indirect approaches that are more subtle than direct accusations.
* Escape from using insults and words that may hurt her feelings.
* When it becomes necessary to discuss a problem wait until you have privacy from others.
* Waiting until the anger has subsided a bit can help to keep a control on your words.
Finally, please make Du'a for the writer; Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed,
for the translator brother Abu Talhah and for reviewer Br. Adam Qurashi. Remember this is not a perfect translation so forgive us our faults and correct our errors.
Muslim Students' Association
University of Alberta
Edmonton, Canada
February, 1999
How to Make Your Husband Happy
How to Make Your Husband Happy
by Sheikh Mohammed Abdelhaleem Hamed
(NOTE: To help strengthening the Muslim families and spread the teachings of Islam
in building families, the Muslim Students' Association at the University of
Alberta prepared a extremely summarized translation for two books. The
books are Arabic by Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed. An Egyptian scholar,
who graduated from the Islamic University of AlMadinah Al-Munawwarah in
Saudi Arabia. The two books are:
1- How to make your wife happy
2- How to make your husband happy
They exceed the traditional presentation of stating rights and duties to the 'Adab (good
manners) and extend into application of these rights in daily life. The
following summary highlights mainly the responsibilities or examples of what
could or should be done. Every single item mentioned by the author is
supported by evidences from Qur'an, Sunnah or the actions of the companions,
but evidences are omitted in this translation.)
---------------------------------------------
1- Beautiful Reception
----------------------
After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you,
begin with a good greeting.
* Meet him with a cheerful face.
* Beautify and perfume yourself.
* Start with good news and delay any bad news until he has rested.
* Receive him with loving and yearning sentences.
* Make hard efforts for excellence of the food & having it ready on time.
2- Beautify and Soften the Voice
--------------------------------
* For your husband only, it shouldn't be used in front of non-mahram men
(men who can marry you if you were unmarried).
3- Smelling Good and Physical Beautification
--------------------------------------------
* Taking good care of your body and fitness.
* Put on nice and attractive clothes and perfumes.
* Bath regularly and, after the monthly period, remove any blood traces
or bad smells.
* Avoide that your husband observes you in dirty clothes or rough shape.
* Avoide prohibited types of ornamentation, e.g. tatoo.
* Use the types of perfumes, colors, and clothes that the husband likes.
* Change hair style, perfumes, etc. from time to time.
* However with these things you should avoid excessiveness and, of course,
only act as such in front of mahrem men and women.
4- Intercourse
--------------
* Hasten for intercourse when your husband feels compulsion for it.
* Keep your body clean and smelling good as possible including cleaning
yourself of released fluids during intercourse.
* Exchange loving phrases with your husband.
* Leave your husband to fully satisfy his desire.
* Choose suitable times and good occasions for exciting your husband,
and encouraging him to do intercourse, e.g. after returning from a
travel, weekends, etc.
5- Satisfaction With What Allah (SWT) Has Allotted
--------------------------------------------------
* You shouldn't be depressed because your husband is poor or works in a
simple job.
* You should look at poor, sick, and handicapped people and remember
Allah (SWT) for all that was given to you.
* You should remember that real wealth lays in Iman and piety.
6- Indifference to Worldly Things
---------------------------------
* You should not consider this world as your hope and interest.
* You should not ask your husband for many unnecessary things.
* Asceticism does not mean not to enjoy what is good and permissible
(Halal), but it means that one should look forward to the hereafter and
utilize whatever Allah SWT gave them to achieve paradise (Jannah).
* Encourage your husband to reduce expenses and save some money in order
to give charity and feed poor and needy people.
7- Appreciation
---------------
* By the saying of the prophet, the majority of people in hell were women
because they were ungrateful and deny the good done to them.
* The result of being grateful is that your husband will love you more and
will do his best to please you in more ways.
* The result of being ungrateful is that your husband will be dissappointed
and will start asking himself: Why should I do good to her, if she never
appreciates?
8- Devotion and Loyalty
-----------------------
* In particular in times of calamities in your husband's body or business,
e.g. an accident or a bankruptcy
* Supporting him through your own work, money, and properties if needed.
9- Compliance to Him
--------------------
* In all what he commands you, unless it is prohibited (Haram).
* In Islam, the husband is the leader of the family, and the wife is his
support and consultant.
10-Pleasing Him If He Is Angry
------------------------------
* First off, try to avoid what will guarantee his anger.
* But if it happens that you can't, then try to appease him as follows:
1- If you mistaken, then apologize.
2- If he mistaken then:
# Keep still instead of arguing or
# Yield you right or
# Wait until he is no longer angry and discuss the matter peacefully
with him.
3- If he was angry because of external reasons then:
# Keeping silent untill his anger goes
# Find execuses for him, e.g. tired, problems at work, some one
insulted him
# Do not ask many questions and insist on knowing what happened,
e.g. 1) You should tell me what happened? 2) I must know what
made you so angry. 3) You are hidding something, and I have the
right to know
11-Guardianship While He is Absent
----------------------------------
* Protecting yourself from any prohibited relations.
* Keep the secrets of the family, particularly intercourse and things
that the husbands don't like other people to know.
* Take care of the house and children.
* Takecare of his money and properties.
* Do not go out of your house without his permission and put on full
hijab.
* Refuse people whom he does not like to come over.
* Do not allow any non-mahram man to be alone with you in any place.
* Be good with his parents and relatives in his absence.
12- Showing Respect for his Family and Friends
----------------------------------------------
* You should welcome his guests and try to please them, especially his
parents.
* You should avoid problems as much as you can with his relatives.
* You should avoid putting him is a position where he had to choose
between his mother and his wife.
* Show good hospitality for his guests by arranging a nice place for them to
sit in, perfection of food, welcoming their wives, etc.
* Encourage him to visit his relatives and invite them to your home.
* Phone his parents and sisters, send letters to them, buy gifts for
them, support them in calamities, etc..
13- Admirable Jealousy
----------------------
* Jealousy is a sign for wife's love for her husband but it should be kept
within the limits of Islam, e.g. not insulating or backbiting others,
disrespecting them, etc..
* You should not follow or create unfounded doubts.
14-Patience and Emotional Support
---------------------------------
* Be patient when you face poverty and strained circumstances.
* When you face calamities and disasters that may happen to you, your
hsubandh, your children, relatives or properties, e.g. diseases,
accidents, death, etc.
* When facing hardships in Da'wah (imprisonment, getting fired, arrested,
etc.), be patient and encourage him to keep on the path of Allah and
remind him of paradise.
* When he mistreats you, counteract his ill-treatment by good treatment
15- Support in Obedience to Allah, Da'wah and Jihad
----------------------------------------------------
* Cooperate with your husband and remind him of different obligatory
and voluntary worships.
* Encourage him to pray at night.
* Listen and reciting the Qur'an individually and with your husband.
* Listen to Islamic tapes and songs individually and with your husband.
* Remember Allah SWT much, particularly after Fajr and before Maghrib.
* Share in arranging Da'wah activities for women and children.
* Learn Islamic rules (ahkam) and good manners ('adab) for women.
* Support your husband's activities by encouraging him, offering wise
opinions, soothing his pains, etc.
* Yielding some of your rights and a part of your time with your husband
for Da'wah.
* Encourage him to go for Jihad when needed and remind him that you and
children will be in the preservation of Allah SWT.
16-Good Housekeeping
--------------------
* Keep it clean, decorated and well arranged.
* Change house arrangements from time to time to avoid boredom.
* Perfect of food and prepare healthy foods.
* Learn all the necessary skills for managing the house, e.g. sewing.
* Learn how to raise children properly and in an Islamic way.
17-Preservation of Finances and the Family
------------------------------------------
* Do not spend from his money, even for charity without his permission
unless you are sure that he agrees on this.
* Protect his house, car, etc. while he is absent.
* Keep the children in good shape, clean clothes, etc. Take care of
their nutrition, health, education, manners, etc. Teach them Islam
and tell them the stories of the Prophets and companions.
Finally, please make Du'a for the writer; Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed,
for the translator brother Abu Talhah, and for the reviewer,
brother Adam Qurashi. Remember this is not a perfect translation so
forgive us our faults and correct our errors.
Muslim Students' Association
University of Alberta
Edmonton, Canada
February, 1999
by Sheikh Mohammed Abdelhaleem Hamed
(NOTE: To help strengthening the Muslim families and spread the teachings of Islam
in building families, the Muslim Students' Association at the University of
Alberta prepared a extremely summarized translation for two books. The
books are Arabic by Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed. An Egyptian scholar,
who graduated from the Islamic University of AlMadinah Al-Munawwarah in
Saudi Arabia. The two books are:
1- How to make your wife happy
2- How to make your husband happy
They exceed the traditional presentation of stating rights and duties to the 'Adab (good
manners) and extend into application of these rights in daily life. The
following summary highlights mainly the responsibilities or examples of what
could or should be done. Every single item mentioned by the author is
supported by evidences from Qur'an, Sunnah or the actions of the companions,
but evidences are omitted in this translation.)
---------------------------------------------
1- Beautiful Reception
----------------------
After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you,
begin with a good greeting.
* Meet him with a cheerful face.
* Beautify and perfume yourself.
* Start with good news and delay any bad news until he has rested.
* Receive him with loving and yearning sentences.
* Make hard efforts for excellence of the food & having it ready on time.
2- Beautify and Soften the Voice
--------------------------------
* For your husband only, it shouldn't be used in front of non-mahram men
(men who can marry you if you were unmarried).
3- Smelling Good and Physical Beautification
--------------------------------------------
* Taking good care of your body and fitness.
* Put on nice and attractive clothes and perfumes.
* Bath regularly and, after the monthly period, remove any blood traces
or bad smells.
* Avoide that your husband observes you in dirty clothes or rough shape.
* Avoide prohibited types of ornamentation, e.g. tatoo.
* Use the types of perfumes, colors, and clothes that the husband likes.
* Change hair style, perfumes, etc. from time to time.
* However with these things you should avoid excessiveness and, of course,
only act as such in front of mahrem men and women.
4- Intercourse
--------------
* Hasten for intercourse when your husband feels compulsion for it.
* Keep your body clean and smelling good as possible including cleaning
yourself of released fluids during intercourse.
* Exchange loving phrases with your husband.
* Leave your husband to fully satisfy his desire.
* Choose suitable times and good occasions for exciting your husband,
and encouraging him to do intercourse, e.g. after returning from a
travel, weekends, etc.
5- Satisfaction With What Allah (SWT) Has Allotted
--------------------------------------------------
* You shouldn't be depressed because your husband is poor or works in a
simple job.
* You should look at poor, sick, and handicapped people and remember
Allah (SWT) for all that was given to you.
* You should remember that real wealth lays in Iman and piety.
6- Indifference to Worldly Things
---------------------------------
* You should not consider this world as your hope and interest.
* You should not ask your husband for many unnecessary things.
* Asceticism does not mean not to enjoy what is good and permissible
(Halal), but it means that one should look forward to the hereafter and
utilize whatever Allah SWT gave them to achieve paradise (Jannah).
* Encourage your husband to reduce expenses and save some money in order
to give charity and feed poor and needy people.
7- Appreciation
---------------
* By the saying of the prophet, the majority of people in hell were women
because they were ungrateful and deny the good done to them.
* The result of being grateful is that your husband will love you more and
will do his best to please you in more ways.
* The result of being ungrateful is that your husband will be dissappointed
and will start asking himself: Why should I do good to her, if she never
appreciates?
8- Devotion and Loyalty
-----------------------
* In particular in times of calamities in your husband's body or business,
e.g. an accident or a bankruptcy
* Supporting him through your own work, money, and properties if needed.
9- Compliance to Him
--------------------
* In all what he commands you, unless it is prohibited (Haram).
* In Islam, the husband is the leader of the family, and the wife is his
support and consultant.
10-Pleasing Him If He Is Angry
------------------------------
* First off, try to avoid what will guarantee his anger.
* But if it happens that you can't, then try to appease him as follows:
1- If you mistaken, then apologize.
2- If he mistaken then:
# Keep still instead of arguing or
# Yield you right or
# Wait until he is no longer angry and discuss the matter peacefully
with him.
3- If he was angry because of external reasons then:
# Keeping silent untill his anger goes
# Find execuses for him, e.g. tired, problems at work, some one
insulted him
# Do not ask many questions and insist on knowing what happened,
e.g. 1) You should tell me what happened? 2) I must know what
made you so angry. 3) You are hidding something, and I have the
right to know
11-Guardianship While He is Absent
----------------------------------
* Protecting yourself from any prohibited relations.
* Keep the secrets of the family, particularly intercourse and things
that the husbands don't like other people to know.
* Take care of the house and children.
* Takecare of his money and properties.
* Do not go out of your house without his permission and put on full
hijab.
* Refuse people whom he does not like to come over.
* Do not allow any non-mahram man to be alone with you in any place.
* Be good with his parents and relatives in his absence.
12- Showing Respect for his Family and Friends
----------------------------------------------
* You should welcome his guests and try to please them, especially his
parents.
* You should avoid problems as much as you can with his relatives.
* You should avoid putting him is a position where he had to choose
between his mother and his wife.
* Show good hospitality for his guests by arranging a nice place for them to
sit in, perfection of food, welcoming their wives, etc.
* Encourage him to visit his relatives and invite them to your home.
* Phone his parents and sisters, send letters to them, buy gifts for
them, support them in calamities, etc..
13- Admirable Jealousy
----------------------
* Jealousy is a sign for wife's love for her husband but it should be kept
within the limits of Islam, e.g. not insulating or backbiting others,
disrespecting them, etc..
* You should not follow or create unfounded doubts.
14-Patience and Emotional Support
---------------------------------
* Be patient when you face poverty and strained circumstances.
* When you face calamities and disasters that may happen to you, your
hsubandh, your children, relatives or properties, e.g. diseases,
accidents, death, etc.
* When facing hardships in Da'wah (imprisonment, getting fired, arrested,
etc.), be patient and encourage him to keep on the path of Allah and
remind him of paradise.
* When he mistreats you, counteract his ill-treatment by good treatment
15- Support in Obedience to Allah, Da'wah and Jihad
----------------------------------------------------
* Cooperate with your husband and remind him of different obligatory
and voluntary worships.
* Encourage him to pray at night.
* Listen and reciting the Qur'an individually and with your husband.
* Listen to Islamic tapes and songs individually and with your husband.
* Remember Allah SWT much, particularly after Fajr and before Maghrib.
* Share in arranging Da'wah activities for women and children.
* Learn Islamic rules (ahkam) and good manners ('adab) for women.
* Support your husband's activities by encouraging him, offering wise
opinions, soothing his pains, etc.
* Yielding some of your rights and a part of your time with your husband
for Da'wah.
* Encourage him to go for Jihad when needed and remind him that you and
children will be in the preservation of Allah SWT.
16-Good Housekeeping
--------------------
* Keep it clean, decorated and well arranged.
* Change house arrangements from time to time to avoid boredom.
* Perfect of food and prepare healthy foods.
* Learn all the necessary skills for managing the house, e.g. sewing.
* Learn how to raise children properly and in an Islamic way.
17-Preservation of Finances and the Family
------------------------------------------
* Do not spend from his money, even for charity without his permission
unless you are sure that he agrees on this.
* Protect his house, car, etc. while he is absent.
* Keep the children in good shape, clean clothes, etc. Take care of
their nutrition, health, education, manners, etc. Teach them Islam
and tell them the stories of the Prophets and companions.
Finally, please make Du'a for the writer; Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed,
for the translator brother Abu Talhah, and for the reviewer,
brother Adam Qurashi. Remember this is not a perfect translation so
forgive us our faults and correct our errors.
Muslim Students' Association
University of Alberta
Edmonton, Canada
February, 1999
Tips to a Better Marriage
Tips to a Better Marriage
By Sr. Muntaqima Abdur-Rashid
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (30: 21).
I have listed some rules that may benefit those seeking an Islamic marriage, as well as those who are already married. I do not pretend to be an expert of any kind. I have learned what I know through marrying at the early age of 18, just 9 months after embracing Islam. I muddled my way through much of my 14 years of marriage, and consider myself a graduate from the 'school of hard knocks'. The rules are:
1. Be conscious of your physical appearance.
No one was more conscious of this than the Prophet. His Sunnah reflects keen attention to personal hygiene and good grooming. He kept himself strong and muscular. Most likely the first aspect of you that attracted your mate was your appearance, so don't think that simply because you are married the task is over. You can't hide a weight problem under Thawbs' (dress) and long Khimars' (veils). Your mate knows. Be aware that you live in a society that places a high premium on physical appearance. It flaunts the shapely female and her muscular counterpart. Temptations that beckon non-Muslims beckon Muslims as well. Don 't allow your mate to get side-tracked by the likes of a 'Raquel Welch or an Arnold Schwarzenegger'. Jog, join a gym, roller skate, swim and stay in shape. Insha' Allah, you will be more vibrant, more radiant, and more attractive to your mate.
2. Be aware of your role, but do not fall into role-playing.
Muslim spouses sometimes experience difficulties because they are trying to do things 'by the book' without giving due consideration to the conditions prevailing in their country. For example, most female converts are taught that the role of the Muslim woman is to be at home raising her children. Supposedly, it is the man who works outside the home to maintain the family. She may have read about birth control and assumed that it has no place for the Muslimah; yet, it is worth noting that the Prophet himself allowed coitus interruptus. If ideal Islamic conditions prevailed, there would be no reason for a sister to worry about her financial situation interfering with her right to bear children. However, without an Islamic society, needy Muslim families may have to resort to welfare and food stamps rather than Zakaah and Sadaqah. This creates a feeling of dependence and humiliation that can place extreme stress on a marriage. In this ease, it may be helpful for the Muslim couple to delay having children, or for the wife to work while the children are young and until the couple 's financial situation improves. Islam gives you this flexibility. Don't be afraid or ashamed to use it.
3. Be a companion to your mate.
Try to show enthusiasm for your spouse's interests and hobbies. It is well-known that the Prophet would run races with 'Ayesha. By all means try to involve your mate in your interests.
4. Be active in Islamic community life.
This will strengthen your commitment to Islam while providing you wish a wholesome social outlet. Encourage your spouse to engage in activities that promote Islam. Have dinners at your home for Muslims as well as non-Muslims, and don't neglect your relatives. These activities will indirectly enhance the quality of your marriage through widening your circle of activity and contacts.
5. Admit your mistakes and have a forgiving, generous attitude when your mate errs.
This country is a difficult place to live in. Most Muslims fall short of the Islamic ideal. Contradictions abound. Be quick to admit your shortcomings and work to amend them. Be understanding when your mate does not live up to the Islamic ideal and gently try to motivate him or her in the right direction.
6. Have a sense of humour.
Be able to chuckle at life's minor aggravations.
7. Be modest when around members of the opposite sex.
Do not try to test your spouse's affection by feigning interest in another. This will only cause dissension and bad feelings.
8. Share household duties.
Brothers, take note. This is especially important these days when women work outside the home. The Prophet always helped his wives around the house and even mended his own clothes. Who knows? You might find you actually like preparing the evening meal or taking care of junior so your wife can have the afternoon off. The Messenger of Allah said, "The most perfect of the believers in faith is the best of them in moral excellence, and the best of you are those who are kindest to their wives." (at-Tirmidhi).
9. Surprise each other with gifts.
Treat her to an evening out alone, away from the children. There are no words to describe the lift this can give to a marriage.
10. Communicate your feelings to one another, good and bad.
Tell him how handsome he looks. Where there is disagreement, have an open discussion. Don ' t collect red stamps. Nip it in the bud .
11. Live within your means.
Stay away from credit cards if you can. Sisters, take note. Don't envy the possessions of your friends, and don't belittle your husband because he can't provide them for you. Muslim couples will do well to stay away from ostentatious living. The Prophet did not live luxuriously, and neither should you.
12. Respect your mate's need for privacy.
A quiet time to oneself each day, either at home or away from home, can make a disagreeable person agreeable.
13. Don 't share personal problems with others.
There are a few exceptions to this rule, but if you must discuss personal problems, make sure it is with a person in whom you have the utmost confidence. If you have a learned Muslim brother or sister in your community, seek him or her out first.
14. Be sensitive to your mate's moods.
If you want to share a personal achievement, don't do it when your spouse is 'down in the dumps.' Wait for the proper time.
You may be saying to yourself, "All This is easier said than done." Well, you're right. A successful marriage doesn't just happen. It's not simply a matter of luck or finding the right person. It takes hard work and determination. It means being selfless and making mistakes. It means having vengeance on your mind but forgiveness in your heart. But, then, its perfection is "half of faith."
"And those who pray, 'Our Lord! Grant unto us spouses and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.'" Qur'an 25:74
"The whole world is an asset and the best asset is a good wife." (Muslim)
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (30: 21).
By Sr. Muntaqima Abdur-Rashid
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (30: 21).
I have listed some rules that may benefit those seeking an Islamic marriage, as well as those who are already married. I do not pretend to be an expert of any kind. I have learned what I know through marrying at the early age of 18, just 9 months after embracing Islam. I muddled my way through much of my 14 years of marriage, and consider myself a graduate from the 'school of hard knocks'. The rules are:
1. Be conscious of your physical appearance.
No one was more conscious of this than the Prophet. His Sunnah reflects keen attention to personal hygiene and good grooming. He kept himself strong and muscular. Most likely the first aspect of you that attracted your mate was your appearance, so don't think that simply because you are married the task is over. You can't hide a weight problem under Thawbs' (dress) and long Khimars' (veils). Your mate knows. Be aware that you live in a society that places a high premium on physical appearance. It flaunts the shapely female and her muscular counterpart. Temptations that beckon non-Muslims beckon Muslims as well. Don 't allow your mate to get side-tracked by the likes of a 'Raquel Welch or an Arnold Schwarzenegger'. Jog, join a gym, roller skate, swim and stay in shape. Insha' Allah, you will be more vibrant, more radiant, and more attractive to your mate.
2. Be aware of your role, but do not fall into role-playing.
Muslim spouses sometimes experience difficulties because they are trying to do things 'by the book' without giving due consideration to the conditions prevailing in their country. For example, most female converts are taught that the role of the Muslim woman is to be at home raising her children. Supposedly, it is the man who works outside the home to maintain the family. She may have read about birth control and assumed that it has no place for the Muslimah; yet, it is worth noting that the Prophet himself allowed coitus interruptus. If ideal Islamic conditions prevailed, there would be no reason for a sister to worry about her financial situation interfering with her right to bear children. However, without an Islamic society, needy Muslim families may have to resort to welfare and food stamps rather than Zakaah and Sadaqah. This creates a feeling of dependence and humiliation that can place extreme stress on a marriage. In this ease, it may be helpful for the Muslim couple to delay having children, or for the wife to work while the children are young and until the couple 's financial situation improves. Islam gives you this flexibility. Don't be afraid or ashamed to use it.
3. Be a companion to your mate.
Try to show enthusiasm for your spouse's interests and hobbies. It is well-known that the Prophet would run races with 'Ayesha. By all means try to involve your mate in your interests.
4. Be active in Islamic community life.
This will strengthen your commitment to Islam while providing you wish a wholesome social outlet. Encourage your spouse to engage in activities that promote Islam. Have dinners at your home for Muslims as well as non-Muslims, and don't neglect your relatives. These activities will indirectly enhance the quality of your marriage through widening your circle of activity and contacts.
5. Admit your mistakes and have a forgiving, generous attitude when your mate errs.
This country is a difficult place to live in. Most Muslims fall short of the Islamic ideal. Contradictions abound. Be quick to admit your shortcomings and work to amend them. Be understanding when your mate does not live up to the Islamic ideal and gently try to motivate him or her in the right direction.
6. Have a sense of humour.
Be able to chuckle at life's minor aggravations.
7. Be modest when around members of the opposite sex.
Do not try to test your spouse's affection by feigning interest in another. This will only cause dissension and bad feelings.
8. Share household duties.
Brothers, take note. This is especially important these days when women work outside the home. The Prophet always helped his wives around the house and even mended his own clothes. Who knows? You might find you actually like preparing the evening meal or taking care of junior so your wife can have the afternoon off. The Messenger of Allah said, "The most perfect of the believers in faith is the best of them in moral excellence, and the best of you are those who are kindest to their wives." (at-Tirmidhi).
9. Surprise each other with gifts.
Treat her to an evening out alone, away from the children. There are no words to describe the lift this can give to a marriage.
10. Communicate your feelings to one another, good and bad.
Tell him how handsome he looks. Where there is disagreement, have an open discussion. Don ' t collect red stamps. Nip it in the bud .
11. Live within your means.
Stay away from credit cards if you can. Sisters, take note. Don't envy the possessions of your friends, and don't belittle your husband because he can't provide them for you. Muslim couples will do well to stay away from ostentatious living. The Prophet did not live luxuriously, and neither should you.
12. Respect your mate's need for privacy.
A quiet time to oneself each day, either at home or away from home, can make a disagreeable person agreeable.
13. Don 't share personal problems with others.
There are a few exceptions to this rule, but if you must discuss personal problems, make sure it is with a person in whom you have the utmost confidence. If you have a learned Muslim brother or sister in your community, seek him or her out first.
14. Be sensitive to your mate's moods.
If you want to share a personal achievement, don't do it when your spouse is 'down in the dumps.' Wait for the proper time.
You may be saying to yourself, "All This is easier said than done." Well, you're right. A successful marriage doesn't just happen. It's not simply a matter of luck or finding the right person. It takes hard work and determination. It means being selfless and making mistakes. It means having vengeance on your mind but forgiveness in your heart. But, then, its perfection is "half of faith."
"And those who pray, 'Our Lord! Grant unto us spouses and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.'" Qur'an 25:74
"The whole world is an asset and the best asset is a good wife." (Muslim)
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (30: 21).
Sex in Islam
Sex in Islam
Principles of Intimate Relations in Islam
Date: 18 MAY 1996 16:08:37 GMT
Newsgroups: soc.religion.islam
Subject: Re: Sexual Relations Between Husband & Wife
Question:
XXXX wrote: : Hello: : As a recently married Muslim, I was hoping someone could refer me to : sources which can guide me as to what is permissible in Islam between a : man and his wife. I once heard of an Islamic book called "Perfumed : Garden"? Is there such a publication? Or could someone suggest other : sources. In particular, I needed to know what the five schools of thought : advised on oral sex or fellatio. Please email or post responses. Thank you.
Answer:
alssalaamu 3alaykum
May Allah bless you and your wife with his blessing and unite you in harmony and happiness.
The book you mentioned (The Perfumed Garden) was written in Tunisia in the 16th century A.D. by Cheikh 'Omar bin Sidi en-Nefzawi. It is a sort of marriage manual written in a rather provocative and lewd style. Even the author himself acknowledges its lascivious nature by ending it with these words: "I have indeed committed a sin by writing this book. Forgive me O Thou to whom we call not in vain. O Allah, do not confound me for this on the Day of Judgment. And you, O Reader, I beg you to say 'Amen'." The book is an interesting historical and cultural oddity; but it is not to be recommended as an educational manual for married couples.
The principles of conjugal love in Islam are few and uncomplicated.
1. Sexual relations are for the pleasure of both the husband and the wife and for the procreation of children. Sexual intercourse is not limited to vaginal penetration but includes other forms of sexual caressing, such as kissing and fondling of various kinds.
2. Nothing should be done that is offensive or harmful to either person. Each has a duty to be sexually available to the other, but neither has the right to disgust or injure the other.
3. With a few exceptions, the couple can engage in any activities that they like, in any manner and in any position. Allah rewards such activities as surely as he punishes sinful activities. The Qur'an says, "Women are your fields. Go then into your fields as you please." (2:223)
4. It is forbidden to have vaginal intercourse while a woman is menstruating (Qur'an 2:222). According to the Sunnah of the Prophet (God's grace and peace be upon him), a man and his menstruating wife can however give one another pleasure so long as the woman's genitals are avoided.
5. There are ahadith that forbid anal intercourse and scholars generally agree that it is not permissible. However, in his tafsir (commentary) Tabaari (3d century A.H.) while forbidding sodomy, says that earlier authorities were divided on the question.
6. The Qur'an and the Sunnah are generally silent as to the various forms that sexual relations may take. Most authorities consider that it is up to the husband and wife in love and mutual respect to decide how to physically express their sexual desires.
7. What goes on in bedroom, is a private matter and should not be discussed or revealed to other persons unless there is some necessity, such as health or safety. Abu Hurairah narrates that the Prophet (pbuh) said this about people who reveal and discuss openly their sexual practices: "Do you know what those who do this are like? Those who do this are like a male and female devil who meet each other on the road and satisfy their desire while the people look on."
Therefore, in Islam the husband and the wife choose their sexual activities according to the sure teaching of the Qur'an, in the light of the Sunnah as we are able to understand and appreciate it, in mutual respect for one another and knowing that the only witness to the expression of their desires will be Allah the Exalted, who will judge them according to their deeds and their heartfelt intentions.
The question of the lawfulness of oral-genital contact is difficult because there are many opinions. For some, it is forbidden. For others, tolerated. For some it is lawful. Some consider it to be lawful as long as the couple use such contacts as foreplay and conclude their love-making with vaginal intercourse.
I believe that this is a matter to be decided by the husband and wife together after seeking the guidance of Allah, who alone knows best.
Peace to all who seek God's face.
To Top
Principles of Intimate Relations in Islam
Date: 18 MAY 1996 16:08:37 GMT
Newsgroups: soc.religion.islam
Subject: Re: Sexual Relations Between Husband & Wife
Question:
XXXX wrote: : Hello: : As a recently married Muslim, I was hoping someone could refer me to : sources which can guide me as to what is permissible in Islam between a : man and his wife. I once heard of an Islamic book called "Perfumed : Garden"? Is there such a publication? Or could someone suggest other : sources. In particular, I needed to know what the five schools of thought : advised on oral sex or fellatio. Please email or post responses. Thank you.
Answer:
alssalaamu 3alaykum
May Allah bless you and your wife with his blessing and unite you in harmony and happiness.
The book you mentioned (The Perfumed Garden) was written in Tunisia in the 16th century A.D. by Cheikh 'Omar bin Sidi en-Nefzawi. It is a sort of marriage manual written in a rather provocative and lewd style. Even the author himself acknowledges its lascivious nature by ending it with these words: "I have indeed committed a sin by writing this book. Forgive me O Thou to whom we call not in vain. O Allah, do not confound me for this on the Day of Judgment. And you, O Reader, I beg you to say 'Amen'." The book is an interesting historical and cultural oddity; but it is not to be recommended as an educational manual for married couples.
The principles of conjugal love in Islam are few and uncomplicated.
1. Sexual relations are for the pleasure of both the husband and the wife and for the procreation of children. Sexual intercourse is not limited to vaginal penetration but includes other forms of sexual caressing, such as kissing and fondling of various kinds.
2. Nothing should be done that is offensive or harmful to either person. Each has a duty to be sexually available to the other, but neither has the right to disgust or injure the other.
3. With a few exceptions, the couple can engage in any activities that they like, in any manner and in any position. Allah rewards such activities as surely as he punishes sinful activities. The Qur'an says, "Women are your fields. Go then into your fields as you please." (2:223)
4. It is forbidden to have vaginal intercourse while a woman is menstruating (Qur'an 2:222). According to the Sunnah of the Prophet (God's grace and peace be upon him), a man and his menstruating wife can however give one another pleasure so long as the woman's genitals are avoided.
5. There are ahadith that forbid anal intercourse and scholars generally agree that it is not permissible. However, in his tafsir (commentary) Tabaari (3d century A.H.) while forbidding sodomy, says that earlier authorities were divided on the question.
6. The Qur'an and the Sunnah are generally silent as to the various forms that sexual relations may take. Most authorities consider that it is up to the husband and wife in love and mutual respect to decide how to physically express their sexual desires.
7. What goes on in bedroom, is a private matter and should not be discussed or revealed to other persons unless there is some necessity, such as health or safety. Abu Hurairah narrates that the Prophet (pbuh) said this about people who reveal and discuss openly their sexual practices: "Do you know what those who do this are like? Those who do this are like a male and female devil who meet each other on the road and satisfy their desire while the people look on."
Therefore, in Islam the husband and the wife choose their sexual activities according to the sure teaching of the Qur'an, in the light of the Sunnah as we are able to understand and appreciate it, in mutual respect for one another and knowing that the only witness to the expression of their desires will be Allah the Exalted, who will judge them according to their deeds and their heartfelt intentions.
The question of the lawfulness of oral-genital contact is difficult because there are many opinions. For some, it is forbidden. For others, tolerated. For some it is lawful. Some consider it to be lawful as long as the couple use such contacts as foreplay and conclude their love-making with vaginal intercourse.
I believe that this is a matter to be decided by the husband and wife together after seeking the guidance of Allah, who alone knows best.
Peace to all who seek God's face.
To Top
Marriage Relations
Marriage Relations
From Marriage in Islam by Muhammad Abdul-Rauf, Ph.D
A Happy Conjugal Household
Mutual Rights and Obligations including Sex Etiquette
In order to ensure an atmosphere of harmony and to promote a cheerful and successful life in the newly established nest of the newlyweds, Islam has provided guidance in defining the relationship between husband and wife and in distributing the rights and obligations arising from this relationship.
In Islam the husband is the head of the household. This is not male chauvenism. It derives from the natural psychological and physical makeup of the male. Man does not suffer from a regular monthly indisposition with its attendant adverse psychological effects. He does not have to be confined by pregnancy or for delivery; nor can he feed children from his breasts. He is therefore always ready to go out and search for sustenance for himself and his dependents. In fact it was Islam which delivered woman from her plight. It established her equality with man both theoretically and practically. It restored her dignity and recovered her freedom. The Koran stresses her right to benefit from the fruits of her efforts as much as man is entitled to benefit from his (IV, 7). It severely condemned the old customs of ill-treating women (XVI, 58/59,and LXXXI 8/9), and protected their rights in one of the longest chapters, IV, which is given the title "Women." We have already noticed that in the process of the marriage contract, the bride initiates the offer of marriage, a significant detail which emphasizes her spontaneous free action in making this most important decision.
Let us now set out to consider the obligations imposed by Islam upon the husband toward his wife , and then proceed to discuss those of the wife toward her husband.
The Husband's Duties
1. A husband is responsible for the protection, happiness and maintenance of his wife. He is responsible for the cost of her food, clothes and accommodation. Although she may have to cook, he has to buy her the raw materials and cooking and kitchen facilities, as may be required and applicable. He may also have to buy her two sets of clothes or more each year, providing the types of clothing suitable for the seasons. However, the number of sets of clothes and their quality depend on the husbands means and social requirements. A wife is also entitled to a comfortable, independent accomodation, suitably furnished and provided with basiic sanitation facilities. She is not obliged to stay with the husband's parents or relatives as he is not obliged to live with hers. She is also entitled to enjoy herslef with her husband in a relaxed atmophere, free from the embarrassment caused by the presence of another adult in the household The cost of smoking or of a forbidden fruit or drink is not to be provided by the husband.
2. In addition to providing these material needs, a husband has to be kind, understanding and forgiving, and must treat his wife in a tender and loving manner. He not only should avoid hurting her but should bear with her if she ever does something disagreeable, so long as this clemency does not spoil her and she does not habitually behave out of bounds. The Koran reads:
...and treat them [women] kindly. [IV,19}
And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:
[Fear] God, [fear] God in the matter of women. They are weak partners, a trust from God with you; and they are made by the divine word permissible for you.
He also says:
Whoever of you whose wife behaves in a disagreeable manner and he responds by kindness and patience, God will give him rewards as much as Job will be given for his patience.
Patient behavior was the practice of the Prophet, even when his wife dared to address him harshly. Once his mother-in-law- saw her daugher strike him with her fist on his noble chest. When the enraged mother -in-law began to reproach her daugher, the Prophet smilingly said, "Leave her alone; they do worse than that." And once Abu Bakr, his father-in-law, was invited to settle some misunderstanding between him and Aishah. The Prophet said to her, "Will you speak, or shall I speak?" Aisha said, "You speak, but do not say except the truth." Abu Bakr was so outraged that he immediately struck her severely, forcing her to run and seek protection behind the back of the Prophet. Abu Bakr said, "O you the enemy of herself! Does the Messenger of God say but the truth?" The Propeht said, "O Abu Bakr, we did not invite you for this [harsh dealing with Aishah], nor did we anticipate it."
3. It is further recommended that a husband be relaxed with his wife, and cheer her up with his humor or by making agreeable jokes. The Prophet, peace and belessings be upon him, in spite of his lofty status, used to play with his wife. He ran in competition with Aishah. Sometimes she won, and other times he won. And once, hearing an Abyssinian entertainment team playing outside the home, the Prophet said to Aisha, "Would you like to see them?" When she agreed, he sent for them and they came and performed in front of his door. The Prophet stretched his hand, putting his palm on the open door and letting Aisha's chin rest on his arm so that she culd see comfortably. A while later the Propeht asked Aishah, "Enough?" She said, "Silence!" Another while later he asked, "Enough?" and the answer was again, "Silence!" But when he asked her for the third time, "Enough? she agreed, "Yes," and the team went away on a gesture from the Prophet. He then said, "The most perfect belief is that of those who are best-mannered and most tender with their wives. " The Propeht also used to say, "Surely God does not love a rough person who is boastful, and rude to his wife." A Bedouin widow once described her husband: "He came always with a smile and left with a greeting. When he was hungry he ate whatever was found, and did not bother when something was missing!"
4. It is of supreme importance that the husband endeavor to handle the matter of sex relations with skill, care and understanding. He should not regard his wife as an object for his own enjoyment alone but as a partner with whom he should always seek mutual bliss, satisfaction and fulfillment. He should always approach her with love and tenderness. In the early stages of marriage, especially in their first expereince on the wedding day, he has to be particulary gentle. The husband should always have due regard for his wife's feelings and should endeavor to let her reach the degree of full satisfaction in this respect. Because of the importance of this element, early Muslim authorities discussed such details as love play, the techniques that arouse excitement, and the question of orgasm. The right Islamic literature treating this subject far exceeds and is more original and stimulatiing than- but not so obscene as-the crude and vulgar material now in wide circulation in the West. We may discuss here some of the remarks made by these early authorities. They stress the importance of premliminary love play-caresses, fondling, kissing, endearing words- in order to arouse the wife's sexual passion and prepare for a deeper sensation and a successful conclusion. At the beginning of actual coitus, it is recommended that the following prayer be said:
In the name of Almighty God, the Most High, Please,God, ward off the evil forces away from us and from the blessings You bestow upon us.
The authorities also recommend that in the process of coitus, especially before full penetration, the excitable areas of the male genitals be gently provoked to contribute to completl fulfillment. We have to remind the reader, however, that even at this moment of absorption and ecstasy, propriety and cleanliness have to be maintained. On the one hand, both partners may utter exclamations or ejaculations venting or expressing the intensity of their pleasure, which also may increase the degree of their excitation; but neither may scream to the degree of disrupting the natural privacy of the act. Some Companions of the Prophet, peace be upon him, recommend the repetition of the words: Allahu Akbar, "God is Great."
On the other hand, it is to be remembered that the liquid (lubricating) material discharged by the sex organs on excitement is counted as a pollution and a polluting element in Islam and that a Muslim is forbidden to smear a part of his or her body with a polluting stuff unnecessarily. Therefore the custom of licking the excitable areas with the tongue said to prevail in the West may not only be unhealthy; it is also forbidden on that account. We also feel that it is indeed disgusting; and this disgust might in the long run plant the seeds of hatred in the hearts of the couple and ultimately break their rellationship.
The position to be assumed by male and female in relation to each other during coitus occupied a great deal of the attention of Muslim authors who treated the subject. They compiled some fifteen basic different positions; and within each choice they suggest varieties of details. We do not need to discuss this matter here at length, since husband and wife, in their search for their own fulfillment, can easily discover these varieties and select what they find to be most suitable and comfortable for themselves. Muslim writers also emphasize that the husband should endeavor to achieve mutual orgasm. If he should fail to hold out sufficiently for his partner, they say he should continue his efforts to have her reach a climax. To rush away from her too soon might be injurious.
They also recommend that parting at the end of the act should be slow, pleasant and cordial, not abrupt or indifferent.
After some rest both parties have to have the full ablution (a bath). This duty does not need to be rushed; but when the time of the next prayer comes, it has to be performed to remove the ceremonial pollution arising from coitus. Prior to having this bath, the parties, like a woman during her priod of menstrual dischage, are forbidden to perform prayers or to touch or read the Koran. Moreover, it is better to delay hair cutting and fingernail-clipping until after the ablution.
It is also recommended that the husband seek to introduce changes and variations in his approach and in the performance, even in little details, in order to avoid boredom. Variations also create a sense of novelty, and novelty stimulates interest and curiosity; and this intensifies the feeling of pleasure and enjoyment. These Muslim etiquettes are probably best summed up in the following words attributed to the Prophet:
Let not one of you fall upon his woman in the manner a male animal suddenly jumps over its female victim. Let there be a messenger [to go] between them." He was asked, "What is the messenger, O Messenger of God?" He said, "Kissing and endearing speech.
Another tradition reads:
Three practices are shortcomings in a man; namely, to fail to enquire about the name of a man he has just encountered, but was worty of friendship; to refuse a favor extended to him in good faith; and to assault his woman without introductory entertainment [to stimulate her] and so he satisfies his own desire before she can achieve her own fulfillment.
When one of you retires with his wife, let them not strip off their clothes completely in an animal-like manner; and let him begin by [stimulating her by the use of] fine exciting speech and by kissing.
In the course of their game of pleasure a husband and his wife may enjoy and fondle any part of the body of each other; and their engagement in this kind of activity is regarded as a type of divine devotion. However, a husband is discouraged from looking at his wife's gentials, perhaps for its adverse psychological effect. Moreover, coitus is strictly forbidden during the menstrual period; and penertration in the back passage is always forbidden. If the femal genitals are to be avoided during the menstrual period, presumably because of their temporary blood pollution, a filthier pollution is an enternal factor in the case of the back passage. Prohibition also applies to all types of unnatural and unproductive activities, whether committed between two persons of the same sex or otherwise.
Early Muslim authorities also discussed the advisable frequency of coitus. Some advised that the experience should be repeated at least once every four days. It seems, however, that the matter of frequency should be left to the mood and the personal inclination of the parties concerned, which indeed depend on many factors, including their age and the condtion of their health.
5. A husband should also see to it that his wife has sufficient knowledge of her religious obligations and encourage her in observing her devotional duties. Of special importance are the rules pertaining to the menstrual period. During this period, as well as during the period of postnatal dischange, the oblgation of mandatory prayer is lifted; and coitus is forbidden. The prohibition of coitus is lifted when the blood discharge has stopped and the woman has had the ablution of a full bath.
6. A husband should not harbor doubts or suspicion about his wife unduly. Jealousy is indeed a natural element; and a husband is not to be too indulgent or to remain indifferent in reasonably provocative situations, and surely must guard his wife against all corruptive influences. Yet he should not allow fanciful thoughts to engage his mind and should not behave in a spying manner toward his wife. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
There is a type of jealousy which God loves and there is another type which God hates. As for that which God loves, it is the jealousy which is provoked by a legitimate cause of suspicion; and that which God hates is the jealousy which is unduly aroused.
The Prophet once asked Fatimah, his own daugher, "What is best for a woman?" She replied, "That she should not mix with men and men should not mix with her." The Prophet, who was pleased with her answer, hugged her and said, "An offspring resembling its roots." Thus a happy life depends on mutual trust between the partners; and all that has to be done is to keep away from situations that are likely to incite evil or arouse suspicion.
[...]
8. If the wife becomes pregnant, her husband should display greater consideration for her and should do all he can to alleviate her discomfort. When she is delivered, he should be grateful to God for her safety and for what God has beneficently graced them with. If his wife has been delivered of a male child, he should not go out of his way to show his pleasure; and if it is a female, he should not at all feel disheartened. After all, he does not know which is better for him. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:
Whoever is graced with a daughter and treats her well and lavished upon her some of the favors God has bestowed upon him, she will be a protection for him against the punishment of the Hell Fire.
Whoever brings home some good things to his children, it will be counted as a divine charity for him. Let him begin by giving the female ones. Whoever cheers up a female child shall have the merit of him who weeps out of divine fear of God; and whoever so intensely fears God, God will protect him from the Hell Fire.
Whoever has two daughers or two sisters under his care and treats them well, he will be my companion in Paradise.
A child, however, should be given a good name, evein if it is delivered in a miscarriage. And shortly after a child's safe birth, the full text of the call to prayer should be recited in its right ear, and the short one in its left ear. It is recommended that a boy be circumcised on the seventh day of his birth, excluding the day of birth itself. Whether it is a boy or a girl, it is recommended that the family then hold a feast for which a lamb or larger animal should be sacrificed. Some of the meat should be distributed to the poor, as well as the value of gold whose weight is the weight of the baby's hair. The sacrifice offered on the seventh day of birth is known as 'aqiqah.
The Wife's Duties
1. The first task of the wife is to create a home a soft relaxing atmosphere in which she and her husband can live together smoothly, happily and enjoyably. The way in which this is to be acheived depends on her taste and their means and upon prevaling values and conditions.
2. A wife must be faithful and devoted to her husband. Her loyalty is due to him first, even before her kin. She should avoid associating with undesirable or suspicous elements and should not entertain alone any male friends.
3. The management of the household is the wife's primary responsibility. She has to take care of meal preparation, house-cleaning and laundry. Whether she undertakes these tasks herself or has them done under her careful supervision, it is her task to manage them in the best interests of the family. She may expect some cooperation from her husband, but this should depend on what he can afford to do. What is important is the mutual goodwill and love which will no doubt stimulate each party to alleviate the burden of the other as much as possible.
4. The wife should not be too demanding; she must be contented, and appreciative of any kind gesture her husband may extend to her. She should not insist on buying expensive clothes or luxurious peices of furniture beyond her husband's means.
5. The wife should take care of herself in order to appear always cheerful, charming and attractive to her husband. She should always smell good and may reasonably apply cosmetics but should avoid excessive use of it. Such excess is not only financially unwise but also psychologically harmful. It makes her beauty appear to be merely artificial. An ancient Arab women advised her daugher on her wedding day:
O my daugher! you are leaving the home in which you were brought up to a house unknown to you and to a companion unfamilar to you. Be a floor to him, he will be a roof to you; be a soft seat to him, he will be a pillar for you; and be like a slave girl to him, he will be like a slave boy to you. Avoid inopportune behavior, lest he should be bored with you; and be not aloof lest he should become indifferent to you. If he approaches you, come running to him; and if he turns away, do not impose yourself upon him. Take care of his nose, his eye and his ear. Let him not smell except a good odor from you; let his eye not see you except in an agreeable appearance; and let him hear nothing from you except nice, fine words.
6. In managing the household, the wife should economize and avoid extravagance. She is not to give of her husband's wealth except within the degreee he approves of. Whatever she gives within this degree, she will share in its divine reward; and what she gives away beyond it will be to the advantage of her husband and to her own disadvantage on the Day of Judgment.
[...]
An objective analysis of the above outline of the mutual rights and obligations of a husband and wife as set out and stipulated by Islam for the guidance of its adherents reveals the following facts:
1. The husband-wife relationship is to be based not on dry legal rules or decisions of the court but on mutal respect, love and regard.
2. The husband is alone responsible for the entire cost of, and the wife is the misstress of, the household. The objective of each is to serve the other and to provide to the other means of comfort, enjoyment and happiness; and the aim of both is to acheive optimum bliss for themselves and to contribute through their offspring to the perpetuation of the human race.
3. A woman is not a chattel or a blind follower but an equal partner. However, her soft nature, her beautiful natural role as the partner who is to provide more for the sexual attraction and excitement, her monthly menstrual discharge with its attending psychological and physical adverse effects, her childbearing and child-rearing--all these natural considerations, not a male dictatorship as has recently been contended, have made her the dependent but respected, virtuous and beloved partner.
4. Within the framework of the above basic considerations, and within the Islamic flexibility which has regard for custom and prevaling traditions, consistent with the moral values of Islam, the couple may choose any type of arrangement for the distribution of their mutual responsiblities in order to meet their needs as they may see fit in the conditions prevailing where they live.
5. An interesting point which emphasizes that the wife does not lose her own independent character on gettting marries is that she always retains her full maiden name. So Miss Nancy Jones on her marriage to Mr. Martin James is called Lady Nancy Jones and not Mrs. James. She may be called Lady Nancy Jones, wife of Mr. James, but not simply Mrs. James. This point is significant, as it expresses both a wife's greater freedom under Islam and her continued relation with her own family.
From Marriage in Islam by Muhammad Abdul-Rauf, Ph.D
A Happy Conjugal Household
Mutual Rights and Obligations including Sex Etiquette
In order to ensure an atmosphere of harmony and to promote a cheerful and successful life in the newly established nest of the newlyweds, Islam has provided guidance in defining the relationship between husband and wife and in distributing the rights and obligations arising from this relationship.
In Islam the husband is the head of the household. This is not male chauvenism. It derives from the natural psychological and physical makeup of the male. Man does not suffer from a regular monthly indisposition with its attendant adverse psychological effects. He does not have to be confined by pregnancy or for delivery; nor can he feed children from his breasts. He is therefore always ready to go out and search for sustenance for himself and his dependents. In fact it was Islam which delivered woman from her plight. It established her equality with man both theoretically and practically. It restored her dignity and recovered her freedom. The Koran stresses her right to benefit from the fruits of her efforts as much as man is entitled to benefit from his (IV, 7). It severely condemned the old customs of ill-treating women (XVI, 58/59,and LXXXI 8/9), and protected their rights in one of the longest chapters, IV, which is given the title "Women." We have already noticed that in the process of the marriage contract, the bride initiates the offer of marriage, a significant detail which emphasizes her spontaneous free action in making this most important decision.
Let us now set out to consider the obligations imposed by Islam upon the husband toward his wife , and then proceed to discuss those of the wife toward her husband.
The Husband's Duties
1. A husband is responsible for the protection, happiness and maintenance of his wife. He is responsible for the cost of her food, clothes and accommodation. Although she may have to cook, he has to buy her the raw materials and cooking and kitchen facilities, as may be required and applicable. He may also have to buy her two sets of clothes or more each year, providing the types of clothing suitable for the seasons. However, the number of sets of clothes and their quality depend on the husbands means and social requirements. A wife is also entitled to a comfortable, independent accomodation, suitably furnished and provided with basiic sanitation facilities. She is not obliged to stay with the husband's parents or relatives as he is not obliged to live with hers. She is also entitled to enjoy herslef with her husband in a relaxed atmophere, free from the embarrassment caused by the presence of another adult in the household The cost of smoking or of a forbidden fruit or drink is not to be provided by the husband.
2. In addition to providing these material needs, a husband has to be kind, understanding and forgiving, and must treat his wife in a tender and loving manner. He not only should avoid hurting her but should bear with her if she ever does something disagreeable, so long as this clemency does not spoil her and she does not habitually behave out of bounds. The Koran reads:
...and treat them [women] kindly. [IV,19}
And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:
[Fear] God, [fear] God in the matter of women. They are weak partners, a trust from God with you; and they are made by the divine word permissible for you.
He also says:
Whoever of you whose wife behaves in a disagreeable manner and he responds by kindness and patience, God will give him rewards as much as Job will be given for his patience.
Patient behavior was the practice of the Prophet, even when his wife dared to address him harshly. Once his mother-in-law- saw her daugher strike him with her fist on his noble chest. When the enraged mother -in-law began to reproach her daugher, the Prophet smilingly said, "Leave her alone; they do worse than that." And once Abu Bakr, his father-in-law, was invited to settle some misunderstanding between him and Aishah. The Prophet said to her, "Will you speak, or shall I speak?" Aisha said, "You speak, but do not say except the truth." Abu Bakr was so outraged that he immediately struck her severely, forcing her to run and seek protection behind the back of the Prophet. Abu Bakr said, "O you the enemy of herself! Does the Messenger of God say but the truth?" The Propeht said, "O Abu Bakr, we did not invite you for this [harsh dealing with Aishah], nor did we anticipate it."
3. It is further recommended that a husband be relaxed with his wife, and cheer her up with his humor or by making agreeable jokes. The Prophet, peace and belessings be upon him, in spite of his lofty status, used to play with his wife. He ran in competition with Aishah. Sometimes she won, and other times he won. And once, hearing an Abyssinian entertainment team playing outside the home, the Prophet said to Aisha, "Would you like to see them?" When she agreed, he sent for them and they came and performed in front of his door. The Prophet stretched his hand, putting his palm on the open door and letting Aisha's chin rest on his arm so that she culd see comfortably. A while later the Propeht asked Aishah, "Enough?" She said, "Silence!" Another while later he asked, "Enough?" and the answer was again, "Silence!" But when he asked her for the third time, "Enough? she agreed, "Yes," and the team went away on a gesture from the Prophet. He then said, "The most perfect belief is that of those who are best-mannered and most tender with their wives. " The Propeht also used to say, "Surely God does not love a rough person who is boastful, and rude to his wife." A Bedouin widow once described her husband: "He came always with a smile and left with a greeting. When he was hungry he ate whatever was found, and did not bother when something was missing!"
4. It is of supreme importance that the husband endeavor to handle the matter of sex relations with skill, care and understanding. He should not regard his wife as an object for his own enjoyment alone but as a partner with whom he should always seek mutual bliss, satisfaction and fulfillment. He should always approach her with love and tenderness. In the early stages of marriage, especially in their first expereince on the wedding day, he has to be particulary gentle. The husband should always have due regard for his wife's feelings and should endeavor to let her reach the degree of full satisfaction in this respect. Because of the importance of this element, early Muslim authorities discussed such details as love play, the techniques that arouse excitement, and the question of orgasm. The right Islamic literature treating this subject far exceeds and is more original and stimulatiing than- but not so obscene as-the crude and vulgar material now in wide circulation in the West. We may discuss here some of the remarks made by these early authorities. They stress the importance of premliminary love play-caresses, fondling, kissing, endearing words- in order to arouse the wife's sexual passion and prepare for a deeper sensation and a successful conclusion. At the beginning of actual coitus, it is recommended that the following prayer be said:
In the name of Almighty God, the Most High, Please,God, ward off the evil forces away from us and from the blessings You bestow upon us.
The authorities also recommend that in the process of coitus, especially before full penetration, the excitable areas of the male genitals be gently provoked to contribute to completl fulfillment. We have to remind the reader, however, that even at this moment of absorption and ecstasy, propriety and cleanliness have to be maintained. On the one hand, both partners may utter exclamations or ejaculations venting or expressing the intensity of their pleasure, which also may increase the degree of their excitation; but neither may scream to the degree of disrupting the natural privacy of the act. Some Companions of the Prophet, peace be upon him, recommend the repetition of the words: Allahu Akbar, "God is Great."
On the other hand, it is to be remembered that the liquid (lubricating) material discharged by the sex organs on excitement is counted as a pollution and a polluting element in Islam and that a Muslim is forbidden to smear a part of his or her body with a polluting stuff unnecessarily. Therefore the custom of licking the excitable areas with the tongue said to prevail in the West may not only be unhealthy; it is also forbidden on that account. We also feel that it is indeed disgusting; and this disgust might in the long run plant the seeds of hatred in the hearts of the couple and ultimately break their rellationship.
The position to be assumed by male and female in relation to each other during coitus occupied a great deal of the attention of Muslim authors who treated the subject. They compiled some fifteen basic different positions; and within each choice they suggest varieties of details. We do not need to discuss this matter here at length, since husband and wife, in their search for their own fulfillment, can easily discover these varieties and select what they find to be most suitable and comfortable for themselves. Muslim writers also emphasize that the husband should endeavor to achieve mutual orgasm. If he should fail to hold out sufficiently for his partner, they say he should continue his efforts to have her reach a climax. To rush away from her too soon might be injurious.
They also recommend that parting at the end of the act should be slow, pleasant and cordial, not abrupt or indifferent.
After some rest both parties have to have the full ablution (a bath). This duty does not need to be rushed; but when the time of the next prayer comes, it has to be performed to remove the ceremonial pollution arising from coitus. Prior to having this bath, the parties, like a woman during her priod of menstrual dischage, are forbidden to perform prayers or to touch or read the Koran. Moreover, it is better to delay hair cutting and fingernail-clipping until after the ablution.
It is also recommended that the husband seek to introduce changes and variations in his approach and in the performance, even in little details, in order to avoid boredom. Variations also create a sense of novelty, and novelty stimulates interest and curiosity; and this intensifies the feeling of pleasure and enjoyment. These Muslim etiquettes are probably best summed up in the following words attributed to the Prophet:
Let not one of you fall upon his woman in the manner a male animal suddenly jumps over its female victim. Let there be a messenger [to go] between them." He was asked, "What is the messenger, O Messenger of God?" He said, "Kissing and endearing speech.
Another tradition reads:
Three practices are shortcomings in a man; namely, to fail to enquire about the name of a man he has just encountered, but was worty of friendship; to refuse a favor extended to him in good faith; and to assault his woman without introductory entertainment [to stimulate her] and so he satisfies his own desire before she can achieve her own fulfillment.
When one of you retires with his wife, let them not strip off their clothes completely in an animal-like manner; and let him begin by [stimulating her by the use of] fine exciting speech and by kissing.
In the course of their game of pleasure a husband and his wife may enjoy and fondle any part of the body of each other; and their engagement in this kind of activity is regarded as a type of divine devotion. However, a husband is discouraged from looking at his wife's gentials, perhaps for its adverse psychological effect. Moreover, coitus is strictly forbidden during the menstrual period; and penertration in the back passage is always forbidden. If the femal genitals are to be avoided during the menstrual period, presumably because of their temporary blood pollution, a filthier pollution is an enternal factor in the case of the back passage. Prohibition also applies to all types of unnatural and unproductive activities, whether committed between two persons of the same sex or otherwise.
Early Muslim authorities also discussed the advisable frequency of coitus. Some advised that the experience should be repeated at least once every four days. It seems, however, that the matter of frequency should be left to the mood and the personal inclination of the parties concerned, which indeed depend on many factors, including their age and the condtion of their health.
5. A husband should also see to it that his wife has sufficient knowledge of her religious obligations and encourage her in observing her devotional duties. Of special importance are the rules pertaining to the menstrual period. During this period, as well as during the period of postnatal dischange, the oblgation of mandatory prayer is lifted; and coitus is forbidden. The prohibition of coitus is lifted when the blood discharge has stopped and the woman has had the ablution of a full bath.
6. A husband should not harbor doubts or suspicion about his wife unduly. Jealousy is indeed a natural element; and a husband is not to be too indulgent or to remain indifferent in reasonably provocative situations, and surely must guard his wife against all corruptive influences. Yet he should not allow fanciful thoughts to engage his mind and should not behave in a spying manner toward his wife. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
There is a type of jealousy which God loves and there is another type which God hates. As for that which God loves, it is the jealousy which is provoked by a legitimate cause of suspicion; and that which God hates is the jealousy which is unduly aroused.
The Prophet once asked Fatimah, his own daugher, "What is best for a woman?" She replied, "That she should not mix with men and men should not mix with her." The Prophet, who was pleased with her answer, hugged her and said, "An offspring resembling its roots." Thus a happy life depends on mutual trust between the partners; and all that has to be done is to keep away from situations that are likely to incite evil or arouse suspicion.
[...]
8. If the wife becomes pregnant, her husband should display greater consideration for her and should do all he can to alleviate her discomfort. When she is delivered, he should be grateful to God for her safety and for what God has beneficently graced them with. If his wife has been delivered of a male child, he should not go out of his way to show his pleasure; and if it is a female, he should not at all feel disheartened. After all, he does not know which is better for him. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:
Whoever is graced with a daughter and treats her well and lavished upon her some of the favors God has bestowed upon him, she will be a protection for him against the punishment of the Hell Fire.
Whoever brings home some good things to his children, it will be counted as a divine charity for him. Let him begin by giving the female ones. Whoever cheers up a female child shall have the merit of him who weeps out of divine fear of God; and whoever so intensely fears God, God will protect him from the Hell Fire.
Whoever has two daughers or two sisters under his care and treats them well, he will be my companion in Paradise.
A child, however, should be given a good name, evein if it is delivered in a miscarriage. And shortly after a child's safe birth, the full text of the call to prayer should be recited in its right ear, and the short one in its left ear. It is recommended that a boy be circumcised on the seventh day of his birth, excluding the day of birth itself. Whether it is a boy or a girl, it is recommended that the family then hold a feast for which a lamb or larger animal should be sacrificed. Some of the meat should be distributed to the poor, as well as the value of gold whose weight is the weight of the baby's hair. The sacrifice offered on the seventh day of birth is known as 'aqiqah.
The Wife's Duties
1. The first task of the wife is to create a home a soft relaxing atmosphere in which she and her husband can live together smoothly, happily and enjoyably. The way in which this is to be acheived depends on her taste and their means and upon prevaling values and conditions.
2. A wife must be faithful and devoted to her husband. Her loyalty is due to him first, even before her kin. She should avoid associating with undesirable or suspicous elements and should not entertain alone any male friends.
3. The management of the household is the wife's primary responsibility. She has to take care of meal preparation, house-cleaning and laundry. Whether she undertakes these tasks herself or has them done under her careful supervision, it is her task to manage them in the best interests of the family. She may expect some cooperation from her husband, but this should depend on what he can afford to do. What is important is the mutual goodwill and love which will no doubt stimulate each party to alleviate the burden of the other as much as possible.
4. The wife should not be too demanding; she must be contented, and appreciative of any kind gesture her husband may extend to her. She should not insist on buying expensive clothes or luxurious peices of furniture beyond her husband's means.
5. The wife should take care of herself in order to appear always cheerful, charming and attractive to her husband. She should always smell good and may reasonably apply cosmetics but should avoid excessive use of it. Such excess is not only financially unwise but also psychologically harmful. It makes her beauty appear to be merely artificial. An ancient Arab women advised her daugher on her wedding day:
O my daugher! you are leaving the home in which you were brought up to a house unknown to you and to a companion unfamilar to you. Be a floor to him, he will be a roof to you; be a soft seat to him, he will be a pillar for you; and be like a slave girl to him, he will be like a slave boy to you. Avoid inopportune behavior, lest he should be bored with you; and be not aloof lest he should become indifferent to you. If he approaches you, come running to him; and if he turns away, do not impose yourself upon him. Take care of his nose, his eye and his ear. Let him not smell except a good odor from you; let his eye not see you except in an agreeable appearance; and let him hear nothing from you except nice, fine words.
6. In managing the household, the wife should economize and avoid extravagance. She is not to give of her husband's wealth except within the degreee he approves of. Whatever she gives within this degree, she will share in its divine reward; and what she gives away beyond it will be to the advantage of her husband and to her own disadvantage on the Day of Judgment.
[...]
An objective analysis of the above outline of the mutual rights and obligations of a husband and wife as set out and stipulated by Islam for the guidance of its adherents reveals the following facts:
1. The husband-wife relationship is to be based not on dry legal rules or decisions of the court but on mutal respect, love and regard.
2. The husband is alone responsible for the entire cost of, and the wife is the misstress of, the household. The objective of each is to serve the other and to provide to the other means of comfort, enjoyment and happiness; and the aim of both is to acheive optimum bliss for themselves and to contribute through their offspring to the perpetuation of the human race.
3. A woman is not a chattel or a blind follower but an equal partner. However, her soft nature, her beautiful natural role as the partner who is to provide more for the sexual attraction and excitement, her monthly menstrual discharge with its attending psychological and physical adverse effects, her childbearing and child-rearing--all these natural considerations, not a male dictatorship as has recently been contended, have made her the dependent but respected, virtuous and beloved partner.
4. Within the framework of the above basic considerations, and within the Islamic flexibility which has regard for custom and prevaling traditions, consistent with the moral values of Islam, the couple may choose any type of arrangement for the distribution of their mutual responsiblities in order to meet their needs as they may see fit in the conditions prevailing where they live.
5. An interesting point which emphasizes that the wife does not lose her own independent character on gettting marries is that she always retains her full maiden name. So Miss Nancy Jones on her marriage to Mr. Martin James is called Lady Nancy Jones and not Mrs. James. She may be called Lady Nancy Jones, wife of Mr. James, but not simply Mrs. James. This point is significant, as it expresses both a wife's greater freedom under Islam and her continued relation with her own family.
10 Tips on How to Be a Successful Husband
10 Tips on How to Be a Successful Husband
Prepared by Muhammad AlShareef, Reprinted from Islamway.com
1. Dress up for your wife, look clean and smell good.When was the last time us men went shopping for designer pajamas? Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. Remember that Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.
2. Use the cutest names for your wife. Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - had nicknames for his wives, ones that they loved. Call your wife by the most beloved names to her, and avoid using names that hurt their feelings.
3. Don't treat her like a fly. We never think about a fly in our daily lives until it 'bugs' us. Similarly, a wife will do well all day - which brings no attention from the husband - until she does something to 'bug' him. Don't treat her like this; recognize all the good that she does and focus on that.
4. If you see wrong from your wife, try being silent and do not comment! This is one of the ways Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - used when he would see something inappropriate from his wives - radi Allahu 'anhunn. It's a technique that few Muslim men have mastered.
5. Smile at your wife whenever you see her and embrace her often. Smiling is Sadaqah and your wife is not exempt from the Muslim Ummah. Imagine life with her constantly seeing you smiling. Remember also those Ahadith when Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would kiss his wife before leaving for Salah, even if he was fasting.
6. Thank her for all that she does for you. Then thank her again! Take for example a dinner at your house. She makes the food, cleans the home, and a dozen other tasks to prepare. And sometimes the only acknowledgement she receives is that there needed to be more salt in the soup. Don't let that be; thank her!
7. Ask her to write down the last ten things you did for her that made her happy. Then go and do them again. It may be hard to recognize what gives your wife pleasure. You don't have to play a guessing game, ask her and work on repeating those times in your life.
8. Don't belittle her desires. Comfort her. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam set the example for us in an incident when Safiyyah - radi Allahu 'anha - was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her, and brought her the camel.
9. Be humorous and Play games with your wife. Look at how Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would race his wife Aisha - radi Allahu 'anha - in the desert. When was the last time we did something like that?
10. Always remember the words of Allah's Messenger - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam: "The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family." Try to be the best!
In conclusion: Never forget to make Dua to Allah - azza wa jall - to make your marriage successful. And Allah ta'ala knows best !!
Prepared by Muhammad AlShareef, Reprinted from Islamway.com
1. Dress up for your wife, look clean and smell good.When was the last time us men went shopping for designer pajamas? Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. Remember that Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.
2. Use the cutest names for your wife. Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - had nicknames for his wives, ones that they loved. Call your wife by the most beloved names to her, and avoid using names that hurt their feelings.
3. Don't treat her like a fly. We never think about a fly in our daily lives until it 'bugs' us. Similarly, a wife will do well all day - which brings no attention from the husband - until she does something to 'bug' him. Don't treat her like this; recognize all the good that she does and focus on that.
4. If you see wrong from your wife, try being silent and do not comment! This is one of the ways Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - used when he would see something inappropriate from his wives - radi Allahu 'anhunn. It's a technique that few Muslim men have mastered.
5. Smile at your wife whenever you see her and embrace her often. Smiling is Sadaqah and your wife is not exempt from the Muslim Ummah. Imagine life with her constantly seeing you smiling. Remember also those Ahadith when Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would kiss his wife before leaving for Salah, even if he was fasting.
6. Thank her for all that she does for you. Then thank her again! Take for example a dinner at your house. She makes the food, cleans the home, and a dozen other tasks to prepare. And sometimes the only acknowledgement she receives is that there needed to be more salt in the soup. Don't let that be; thank her!
7. Ask her to write down the last ten things you did for her that made her happy. Then go and do them again. It may be hard to recognize what gives your wife pleasure. You don't have to play a guessing game, ask her and work on repeating those times in your life.
8. Don't belittle her desires. Comfort her. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam set the example for us in an incident when Safiyyah - radi Allahu 'anha - was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her, and brought her the camel.
9. Be humorous and Play games with your wife. Look at how Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would race his wife Aisha - radi Allahu 'anha - in the desert. When was the last time we did something like that?
10. Always remember the words of Allah's Messenger - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam: "The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family." Try to be the best!
In conclusion: Never forget to make Dua to Allah - azza wa jall - to make your marriage successful. And Allah ta'ala knows best !!
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Working in Muslim Schools
secular education will not suffice", says American convert, writer and teacher Yahiya Emerick.
Introduction
It isn't easy to bridge two cultures. Sometimes pressure to conform to one leads to unqualified acceptance of the other. In most cases immigrant parents may accept that their child will inevitably follow the values of the wider society. After all, if the parents really cared about preserving an ethnic culture they wouldn't have left their country of origin to begin with. Thus we see cultural assimilation as a fact of life for those living in dominant cultures other than what they were raised in.
If we are talking about mere cultural and ethnic differences, however, few people will raise an eyebrow if one form of food or dress is favored over another. But there is another level which many people connect with their basic identity. It is not so easily given up nor is it taken lightly if a person's child rejects it. That higher level is religious and ideological orientation. Parents will fight harder to keep their child in the same spiritual tradition than in influencing the types of clothes they wear or the language they speak. This is another inevitability.
Any group of people who claim a spiritual tradition use that as one of the strongest ingredients for their sense of identity and place in the world. However, not every member of a religious community necessarily practices the tenets of their faith as much as they purport. For some, religion is something to rely upon in times of stress or upheaval. Others are consistent throughout in their faithfulness to their way of life. In this respect, the Muslim community is in much the same position as the Christian, Hindu or Jewish communities. There is a wide variance of religiosity within the veneer of group identity.
The last ten years have seen a virtual explosion in the growth and numbers of so-called "Islamic" schools in North America. (I use the term so-called to highlight the fact that the definition of what makes a school "Islamic" is still evolving.) Even conservative observers have been amazed at the seeming strength and vitality of this recent trend. On average, about ten new schools are being established every year with Islam as their raison d'etre. This is indeed a very significant phenomenon given that in almost all Muslim countries, the topic of Islam is either banned from public education or treated in a very rudimentary manner by secular-minded teachers who have a mandate from the state to deride Islam and make it appear foolish. In many so-called "Muslim" countries, even Islamic styles of dress are banned. (This would be the equivalent of banning crosses in America or yarmulkes in Israel.)
It seems that a good number of those involved in building Mosques and Muslim schools in this country come from quite secular, non-religious backgrounds in their home countries. What is the reason for this strange paradigm? How has living in the most secular nation in the world sparked such a tremendous spiritual revival among people who would have opposed Islamic education had they still been living in their countries of origin? This question will find its answer throughout this paper as we explore the need for Muslims to have a comprehensive education based on Islamic themes as well as the current experience and condition of the "Islamic" schools in North America.
People often describe their belief system as a way of life. This is also claimed by Muslims when speaking about the relationship between Islam and daily living. (Qur'an 2:143) Unlike Christianity which has splintered into many competing theological traditions, the Muslim community has conformity among its basic beliefs and teachings, the political-oriented Sunni/Shia debacle not withstanding. Also, unlike Christianity, which hasn't played any serious role in national politics since the Enlightenment, Islam, as a potent symbol at least, enjoyed political ascendancy well into this century, even as it is still a major issue in today's politics in Muslim countries. Therefore, the Muslim community has not been separated from Islam in the same manner as the Church/State divide has done.
The relationship of a practicing Muslim to Islam could be seen as more personal than say a Hindu to Hinduism or a Catholic to Catholicism. A Western writer, Bertrand Russell, once remarked, "There may be numerically more Christians in the world than Muslims, but the number of Muslims who practice their religion is far greater than that of Christians who do." The believing Muslim is required to perform regular rituals every day such as Prayer, Charity and other acts of devotion. Annual events such as the fasting of Ramadan and the Pilgrimage to Mecca provide other connections to the life of faith as well. In addition, Islamic holidays have not been transformed into a few commercial child-oriented traditions. There are no symbolic diversions such as the Easter Bunny, Valentine's Cherub or Santa Clause in any Islamic holidays or events. Therefore, even holidays promote the undivided awareness of spirituality.
Perhaps it is for this reason that secular-oriented people in Muslim countries have tried so hard to suppress Islamic growth and awareness. Islam bans alcohol, drugs, injustice, pre-marital relations and poor personal manners while encouraging abstinence, prayer, humility and spiritualism. That is hardly appealing to people who like to "have fun" or live "the good life." The natural trend of Islam is towards influencing all aspects of society to conform to the teachings of the Qur'an. Thus secular, worldly-oriented "Muslims" are the first to try and stifle Islam. In Turkey, for example, schools teaching the Qur'an are all but banned (the military made that announcement in June of 1997) and in Egypt, the Shari'ah, or Islamic legal code, has never been implemented despite decades of talk and promises. How is it then that otherwise secular people immigrating to the United States are becoming "religious" and wanting to establish schools and Mosques?
Freedom is a curious thing. In an oppressive society, people tend to keep their mouths shut and their eyes closed. In this way they hope the strong arm of the government will leave them alone. If the government of Syria or Algeria, for instance, suppresses Islamic democracy and Muslim concerns, few will challenge them because of the brutal consequences. Hence people, for the most part, grow up without much Islamic awareness. A citizen of such a country will tend to base his or her identity and sense of self on an ethnic feeling or on nationalism, which is quite common in the modern world. Islam, on the other hand, is the antithesis of racism (Qur'an 49:13) or nationalism. (The Prophet Muhammad forbade people from calling on Asabiyya, or tribalism, in their dealings with others.)
Thus, for those who are interested in seriously passing the teachings of Islam on to the next generation, a secular education will not suffice. Islam has a world-view that is global in nature. It promotes a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood in humanity. (Qur'an 2:213) Islam teaches that all people are equal and that race, wealth, status, gender and ethnicity have no basis in comparing one person to another. Rather, the underlying principle of Islam is that only those who have the best Taqwa (spiritual orientation) are superior in God's sight. To facilitate the growth of this spiritualism in humanity, God has raised up Prophets at various times and at various places to teach people to revere their Lord. If a Prophet's teachings were lost or corrupted through the ages, then God would send a new Prophet later on. Every nation from the Aztecs and Jews to the Chinese and Bantu received Prophets. The last Prophet to the world was Muhammad, whose message would be protected from man's alterations until the Day of Judgment.
In addition, Islam, as a system, encompasses political, economic and social dictates. Even a cursory study of the life of the Prophet Muhammad shows that his entire motivation was towards societal improvement based on accepting God's guidance as revealed in the Qur'an. (Qur'an 30:30) This ideology cannot be passed on by merely producing more children. It must be taught, understood and practiced. Hence the need for a school grounded in Islam is the only alternative many Muslims in America are seeking. Contrary to the modern view of religious affiliation where people are considered to be affiliated with the religious tradition that is historically prevalent in the land of their birth or in their ethnic group, whether they know anything about their religion or not, Islam demands a minimum level of knowledge and practice for one to be able to identify with it.
Those people who immigrated to the United States from the Muslim world, like many other immigrants, came to America to attain the American Dream. The latest wave of immigration from the Muslim world began in the middle Sixties and is only now tapering off according to immigration statistics compiled by the Department of Immigration and Naturalization. A very large percentage of these Muslims have entered professional careers which encompass medicine, business, science, education, etc... Many have achieved a standard of living that is far beyond what they could have attained in their old countries.
It is often true that success breeds a sense of ease, but easy living also gives time for one to think. The immigrants who followed a financial dream and achieved it, for instance became settled enough in their lifestyles to begin to seek another type of affiliation, one rooted in a civic or religious identity. This is a natural inclination, especially the older one gets, as evidenced by the typical attendance patterns prevalent in any religious service.. Thus in the Seventies and Eighties many Muslim groups sought to build for themselves the type of structures that other Americans had: Christians had Churches; Jews had Synagogues, etc... The immigrants, recalling what structures they remembered from their old countries, naturally wanted Mosques. It would be "their" place to get married in, to have parties in and to gather in for camaraderie as expressed in either ethnic or spiritual ways or both.
To date there are over twelve hundred Mosques in America alone, according to statistics compiled by the Muslim Students' Association and dozens more are built every year. That being accomplished, many immigrants began to rediscover their roots and gain a greater appreciation for Islamic spirituality and values. For the most part, the core-values of all religions are similar and people often see that there is much wisdom there. (See Carl G. Jung, "Man and His Symbols.") In the case of Islam, the values are encompassed in the Qur'an, (the revelation from God,) and in the Sunnah (lifestyle and teachings of the Prophet Muhammad as documented in his collected sayings.).
Another phenomenon also accompanied this rise of new Islamic awareness. Large numbers of African Americans were leaving Christianity and converting to Islam. These new converts added a dynamism and sense of urgency to Islamic growth that hasn't been seen in centuries. Immigrant Muslims began to see people who chose Islam and thus their own sense of Islam's worth began to peak. This brought a new realization in the minds of many Muslim parents which has given rise to the impetus to build separate schools dedicated to Islamically-oriented education.
Middle-aged Muslim parents, who became Mosque-going and religious in the sense of being practicing believers began to notice something very alarming. They had, like all other immigrants before them, taken for granted the fact that their children wouldn't follow the cultural customs of the old country. But what many parents in the Eighties found, much to their horror, was that their teenage children were not only devoid of Islamic knowledge, but that they actually rejected any Islamic identity and preferred to live as non-Muslims in their values, motivations and habits. If the family lived in the city, the children imitated urban youth culture. If the home was in the suburbs, the children were cool boys and society girls. Their children were dating, wearing revealing clothes, drinking or taking drugs and generally followed the negative cultural habits that modern society is guilty of promoting. They were everything but Muslims.
Thus, from the late Eighties until today, millions of dollars have been spent by parents and community organizations to try and get their wayward children into Islam. I intentionally did not say "back into" Islam because in most cases, the parents honestly failed to teach their children the beliefs, practices and values of Islam. Their children were never Muslims in the full sense of the word to begin with. As I have taught in full-time Muslim schools, Sunday schools, summer schools and youth camps for almost eight years now I have personally witnessed this phenomenon. Now many new parents, seeing the spiritual carnage wrought in the older children of their fellow community members, are vowing to put their children from the start in Islamic schools.
Muslims, as evidenced by a surge of articles in Islamic magazines, often lament that there is literally an entire generation of kids lost to Islam and enamored of the wealth-driven, fast-paced modern spiritually-barren lifestyle. Muslim parents are, of course, joined in their lament by parents from other faiths as well. Thus in the mid-Eighties, large numbers of Muslim parents began enrolling their children in Sister Clara Muhammad schools. These were the schools set up by African-American Muslims in the Seventies and Eighties as part of the whole program of separate education promoted by the then, Nation of Islam. Many people outside of the Nation of Islam, who knew the spiritual damage that a public (in many peoples' minds read: anti-values or permissive) school education would do to their children's identity, also supported these schools..
But these schools were not in every area and were often located in inner cities, thus lacking appeal for many immigrant Muslims, especially of the professional class. The next great phase of school building began in the late Eighties and continues to this day in which large numbers of Muslim professionals and religious leaders are banding together to start school projects. In some cases, a local Mosque would start a school, much like a Catholic Church might do. In other cases, schools were started independent of any religious organization. I have personally compiled a list of nearly one hundred and fifty schools which have opened in the last two to ten years.
Most of these new, immigrant sponsored schools have had a very humble beginning. Some began in houses while others as rented space in Mosques. A few had good funding from their inception and had the good fortune to start off with adequate facilities. The fail or success window for Muslim schools seems to be about five years. Almost all of these schools are totally dependent on student tuition. In the beginning of such school projects, local Muslim families are often resistant to send their children to the Muslim schools feeling that the level of education is low. Thus many schools seem perpetually in the red in their first few years. Ironically, after the parents lose their children from Islam they become more interested in the Islamic schools. There are countless inquiries in Islamic schools' offices about Islamic High Schools. But of course, because of lack of funding and support to begin with, most schools never get above sixth or eighth grade.
Salaries paid to teachers are extremely low. The starting yearly wage at the average school is between 10,000 and 18,000 dollars. Realistically, after taxes, this income is really not much to live on. Thus only those who can't find a job somewhere else are likely to apply, save the few stalwart activists (like myself) who dream of sacrificing in the cause of God and saving the next generation. Thus it is true, with the exception of a few, based on this and many other factors, that the level of education is sometimes lower than in the average public school, at least from the standpoint of teacher qualification. This is just a fact of life as I have personally witnessed it in almost a dozen schools I've either worked in, visited or where I've been invited to lecture.
Why Muslim Schools?
Then what is the advantage in sending a child to a Muslim school? I could discuss many other physical short-comings of the schools, but it would not add to the main point of this article. What we want to know is if there are any advantages to enrolling children in a school that claims to be based on spiritual motivations. Muslim parents have no real objection to enrolling their children in religious-oriented schools as substantial anecdotal evidence suggests that there are thousands of Muslim children enrolled in Catholic schools throughout the nation. In the latter situation, most of the children come out as irreligious as if they had attended a public school.
In relation, attendance in a Christian school may not always provide a values/moral education that is in alignment with the Islamic code of life. This is an issue that many Muslim parents seem to overlook when they make the initial decision to send their children to such parochial schools. To understand the problem on the flip-side, what would you think of Christian or Jewish parents sending their children to a Muslim school? The first thought that would come to mind is that those parents are not really committed to their own religious teachings.
Clearly, something must be fueling the tremendous rise in the numbers of Muslim schools. As was previously mentioned, large numbers of Muslim families have "lost" their children from Islam. Even as the parents were rediscovering the worth of Islam, they failed to realize that Islam, like Christianity, requires a personal realization experience. Thus, one is not born into the religion like Jews are born into Judaism. Islam is not an ethnically based phenomenon. This is the tragedy of growing up in a Muslim country. Even though few in one's immediate family practices Islam, all still say I am a Muslim. This dynamic doesn't work in an environment such as North America, which offers many lifestyle and identity choices.
Thus many parents have set aside traditional concerns about the financial goals oriented education in favor of building a solidly based Islamic identity in their children. I remember one student who came from a family of nine kids. She was the youngest and was the only one of her siblings to be enrolled in our Islamic school in Michigan. When she was asked in a class discussion why she was sent here, she replied, mimicking her parents, "They wanted at least one good one." After I met her older siblings and witnessed their crude urban behavior and roughness, I knew what she meant. Although her family was settled and wealthy, Islam, as a lifestyle, was absent and thus the children were lost.
Although management in most Muslim schools has not been perfected and funding is scarce, there is a unique process at work. Indeed, despite the financial and organizational difficulties, there is quite a special environment fostered in a setting where there are zero guns, drugs, alcohol and urban-pop-culture. There is order and civility. Not perfect order, mind you, as children will be children, but much more discipline is present in an Islamic school than in any public school, especially in urban areas. I have met so many teachers who taught in public schools and then left because of stress. When they came to work in the Islamic schools they had nothing but praise for the nice, friendly environment. Some Muslim schools hire non-Muslim teachers in times of need who also often comment on the order and friendly nature of the children. Remove fear and positive human values shine forth.
In fact, the biggest discipline problem every Islamic school faces every year, according to my experience, is in the enrollment of children who are coming directly from public schools. These children are often lazy, disrespectful, loud, unable to follow directions and foul-mouthed. They disrupt classes for up to three months until they are finally calmed into discipline and follow along with the positive peer pressure of order and congeniality. That's the biggest single advantage of a Muslim school: the environment is more disciplined and thus, although the level of education is sometimes perceived to be lower, the children are able to learn much more than their public school counterparts (given that many youthful distractions are absent.) Even dating is forbidden and classroom seating usually puts all the girls on one side of the room and the boys on the other from about grade five onward. Most Islamic schools score consistently higher on standardized state exams than their public school counterparts. Thus the educational level is in reality higher, not lower, as one would expect.
The main physical features which make the school Islamic revolve around dress, prayer and the addition of certain subjects. Most Muslim schools require uniforms, as many private schools do, with the addition that girls are required to wear the Islamic-style head scarf from about grade four and up. Afternoon prayers are held daily and every Friday the children gather to hear the weekly Friday sermon. This service is called Jumu'ah in Arabic, or the Friday Gathering, in which they hear a presentation about spirituality or some related topic. Finally, as a part of the academic schedule, children have classes devoted to Islam and Arabic. These daily classes are reinforced with actual practice throughout the day in interaction with teachers, other students and visitors.
So profound is the change in many students who have attended an Islamic school, despite whatever shortcomings there are, that I have personally witnessed amazing transformations. A teenage girl comes in the school with a history of boyfriends, smoking and disrespecting her parents. She leaves praying, being respectful and concerned with right and wrong. A boy comes in from public school cursing, fighting and causing enormous trouble. After six months he calms down, asks meaningful questions about God and right and wrong and restrains his anger even in tough situations.
Islamic awareness can transform even the most recalcitrant of children even as many inmates in prison accept it and turn their lives around for the better. Such is the healing power of a spiritual orientation. The responses of the students to such an environment can be quite startling. It is almost universal that all children dislike their school principals. In some schools more than others. That being the usual situation, what children desire is meaningful stimulation, the right to feel personal pride in their identity and integrity in those who are set in authority over them.
I worked for two years in a school which had a wonderful facility. But the administration was perceived by the students to be plagued with injustice and capriciousness. Therefore, the students were often in a state of rebelliousness. (The unique thing for me was that they were using Islamic principles as a rallying point.) I worked for two years in another school that was so financially strapped it was operated in a Mosque's basement. But the students were reasonably satisfied with the administration and thus there was general peace.
In addition, the first school mentioned above, although it had a soccer field, gym and real classrooms, the students always compared it to their old public schools and found it wanting in amenities. At the second school, there wasn't even a formal playground nor decent classroom. But because the local (urban) public schools were so violent and chaotic, no one complained that two grades were in every class or that office-style partitions were the only "walls" there. They were happy to be in a safe environment.
Summary
The Islamic schools in the U.S. are hardly perfect educational environments, yet they provide what is often missing in other schools. Mainly, they tend to have smaller teacher-student ratios, more discipline, a spiritual orientation and an environment conducive to learning. Muslims who wish Islam to become part of the permanent religious mosaic of North America need such schools to assist in this cause. That is not to say a Muslim child is automatically lost if he or she attends a public school, but it would make it much easier for a child to feel the "Muslim environment" a feeling that their immigrant parents might have tasted in their home countries. This is useful given that anti-Islamic messages bombard every moment of a child's interaction with the wider society, whether on TV, in print or by raunchy music videos, etc... In addition, defamation of Islam is a standard practice in movies, magazines and public school textbooks.
Islam is a faith that must be lived in a community even as it requires individual awareness. The same motivation which prompted Irish Catholics and Orthodox Jews to build Catholic schools and Yeshivas is what drives Muslim communities to want schools of their own. The identity and values of Islam are just as susceptible to outside assimilation as any other belief system.
As long as increasing numbers of Muslim parents begin to realize that their faith must be taught and lived to survive, Muslim schools will continue to grow and be built. Will most of them survive twenty years from now when the next generations, born and raised in America, assume their place? No one can say for sure. But if the track record of Catholic schools is any indicator, they will likely stabilize at some sustainable level and remain a constant in the educational fabric of North America for a long time to come. The key will be if they make a positive impact on future generations and in the society as well.
In the end, as with any belief system and world-view, Islam will only survive ultimately if the parents themselves practice in the home what their children are learning in school. Although Muslims come from a very multi-ethnic Diaspora in North America, the unity of the Islamic faith has demonstrated that Islam can make a valuable contribution to the societal ills which plague the modern world. Islam's firm stand against racism, for example, is best demonstrated by the children who attend Islamic schools. If such schools prosper, then there may be viable solutions to aid in the reconstruction of American society. Solutions which are unique to Islam, such as the abolition of racism, the banning of the scourge of alcohol and the emphasis on respect among all people, and from which the wider society may gain benefit.
Introduction
It isn't easy to bridge two cultures. Sometimes pressure to conform to one leads to unqualified acceptance of the other. In most cases immigrant parents may accept that their child will inevitably follow the values of the wider society. After all, if the parents really cared about preserving an ethnic culture they wouldn't have left their country of origin to begin with. Thus we see cultural assimilation as a fact of life for those living in dominant cultures other than what they were raised in.
If we are talking about mere cultural and ethnic differences, however, few people will raise an eyebrow if one form of food or dress is favored over another. But there is another level which many people connect with their basic identity. It is not so easily given up nor is it taken lightly if a person's child rejects it. That higher level is religious and ideological orientation. Parents will fight harder to keep their child in the same spiritual tradition than in influencing the types of clothes they wear or the language they speak. This is another inevitability.
Any group of people who claim a spiritual tradition use that as one of the strongest ingredients for their sense of identity and place in the world. However, not every member of a religious community necessarily practices the tenets of their faith as much as they purport. For some, religion is something to rely upon in times of stress or upheaval. Others are consistent throughout in their faithfulness to their way of life. In this respect, the Muslim community is in much the same position as the Christian, Hindu or Jewish communities. There is a wide variance of religiosity within the veneer of group identity.
The last ten years have seen a virtual explosion in the growth and numbers of so-called "Islamic" schools in North America. (I use the term so-called to highlight the fact that the definition of what makes a school "Islamic" is still evolving.) Even conservative observers have been amazed at the seeming strength and vitality of this recent trend. On average, about ten new schools are being established every year with Islam as their raison d'etre. This is indeed a very significant phenomenon given that in almost all Muslim countries, the topic of Islam is either banned from public education or treated in a very rudimentary manner by secular-minded teachers who have a mandate from the state to deride Islam and make it appear foolish. In many so-called "Muslim" countries, even Islamic styles of dress are banned. (This would be the equivalent of banning crosses in America or yarmulkes in Israel.)
It seems that a good number of those involved in building Mosques and Muslim schools in this country come from quite secular, non-religious backgrounds in their home countries. What is the reason for this strange paradigm? How has living in the most secular nation in the world sparked such a tremendous spiritual revival among people who would have opposed Islamic education had they still been living in their countries of origin? This question will find its answer throughout this paper as we explore the need for Muslims to have a comprehensive education based on Islamic themes as well as the current experience and condition of the "Islamic" schools in North America.
People often describe their belief system as a way of life. This is also claimed by Muslims when speaking about the relationship between Islam and daily living. (Qur'an 2:143) Unlike Christianity which has splintered into many competing theological traditions, the Muslim community has conformity among its basic beliefs and teachings, the political-oriented Sunni/Shia debacle not withstanding. Also, unlike Christianity, which hasn't played any serious role in national politics since the Enlightenment, Islam, as a potent symbol at least, enjoyed political ascendancy well into this century, even as it is still a major issue in today's politics in Muslim countries. Therefore, the Muslim community has not been separated from Islam in the same manner as the Church/State divide has done.
The relationship of a practicing Muslim to Islam could be seen as more personal than say a Hindu to Hinduism or a Catholic to Catholicism. A Western writer, Bertrand Russell, once remarked, "There may be numerically more Christians in the world than Muslims, but the number of Muslims who practice their religion is far greater than that of Christians who do." The believing Muslim is required to perform regular rituals every day such as Prayer, Charity and other acts of devotion. Annual events such as the fasting of Ramadan and the Pilgrimage to Mecca provide other connections to the life of faith as well. In addition, Islamic holidays have not been transformed into a few commercial child-oriented traditions. There are no symbolic diversions such as the Easter Bunny, Valentine's Cherub or Santa Clause in any Islamic holidays or events. Therefore, even holidays promote the undivided awareness of spirituality.
Perhaps it is for this reason that secular-oriented people in Muslim countries have tried so hard to suppress Islamic growth and awareness. Islam bans alcohol, drugs, injustice, pre-marital relations and poor personal manners while encouraging abstinence, prayer, humility and spiritualism. That is hardly appealing to people who like to "have fun" or live "the good life." The natural trend of Islam is towards influencing all aspects of society to conform to the teachings of the Qur'an. Thus secular, worldly-oriented "Muslims" are the first to try and stifle Islam. In Turkey, for example, schools teaching the Qur'an are all but banned (the military made that announcement in June of 1997) and in Egypt, the Shari'ah, or Islamic legal code, has never been implemented despite decades of talk and promises. How is it then that otherwise secular people immigrating to the United States are becoming "religious" and wanting to establish schools and Mosques?
Freedom is a curious thing. In an oppressive society, people tend to keep their mouths shut and their eyes closed. In this way they hope the strong arm of the government will leave them alone. If the government of Syria or Algeria, for instance, suppresses Islamic democracy and Muslim concerns, few will challenge them because of the brutal consequences. Hence people, for the most part, grow up without much Islamic awareness. A citizen of such a country will tend to base his or her identity and sense of self on an ethnic feeling or on nationalism, which is quite common in the modern world. Islam, on the other hand, is the antithesis of racism (Qur'an 49:13) or nationalism. (The Prophet Muhammad forbade people from calling on Asabiyya, or tribalism, in their dealings with others.)
Thus, for those who are interested in seriously passing the teachings of Islam on to the next generation, a secular education will not suffice. Islam has a world-view that is global in nature. It promotes a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood in humanity. (Qur'an 2:213) Islam teaches that all people are equal and that race, wealth, status, gender and ethnicity have no basis in comparing one person to another. Rather, the underlying principle of Islam is that only those who have the best Taqwa (spiritual orientation) are superior in God's sight. To facilitate the growth of this spiritualism in humanity, God has raised up Prophets at various times and at various places to teach people to revere their Lord. If a Prophet's teachings were lost or corrupted through the ages, then God would send a new Prophet later on. Every nation from the Aztecs and Jews to the Chinese and Bantu received Prophets. The last Prophet to the world was Muhammad, whose message would be protected from man's alterations until the Day of Judgment.
In addition, Islam, as a system, encompasses political, economic and social dictates. Even a cursory study of the life of the Prophet Muhammad shows that his entire motivation was towards societal improvement based on accepting God's guidance as revealed in the Qur'an. (Qur'an 30:30) This ideology cannot be passed on by merely producing more children. It must be taught, understood and practiced. Hence the need for a school grounded in Islam is the only alternative many Muslims in America are seeking. Contrary to the modern view of religious affiliation where people are considered to be affiliated with the religious tradition that is historically prevalent in the land of their birth or in their ethnic group, whether they know anything about their religion or not, Islam demands a minimum level of knowledge and practice for one to be able to identify with it.
Those people who immigrated to the United States from the Muslim world, like many other immigrants, came to America to attain the American Dream. The latest wave of immigration from the Muslim world began in the middle Sixties and is only now tapering off according to immigration statistics compiled by the Department of Immigration and Naturalization. A very large percentage of these Muslims have entered professional careers which encompass medicine, business, science, education, etc... Many have achieved a standard of living that is far beyond what they could have attained in their old countries.
It is often true that success breeds a sense of ease, but easy living also gives time for one to think. The immigrants who followed a financial dream and achieved it, for instance became settled enough in their lifestyles to begin to seek another type of affiliation, one rooted in a civic or religious identity. This is a natural inclination, especially the older one gets, as evidenced by the typical attendance patterns prevalent in any religious service.. Thus in the Seventies and Eighties many Muslim groups sought to build for themselves the type of structures that other Americans had: Christians had Churches; Jews had Synagogues, etc... The immigrants, recalling what structures they remembered from their old countries, naturally wanted Mosques. It would be "their" place to get married in, to have parties in and to gather in for camaraderie as expressed in either ethnic or spiritual ways or both.
To date there are over twelve hundred Mosques in America alone, according to statistics compiled by the Muslim Students' Association and dozens more are built every year. That being accomplished, many immigrants began to rediscover their roots and gain a greater appreciation for Islamic spirituality and values. For the most part, the core-values of all religions are similar and people often see that there is much wisdom there. (See Carl G. Jung, "Man and His Symbols.") In the case of Islam, the values are encompassed in the Qur'an, (the revelation from God,) and in the Sunnah (lifestyle and teachings of the Prophet Muhammad as documented in his collected sayings.).
Another phenomenon also accompanied this rise of new Islamic awareness. Large numbers of African Americans were leaving Christianity and converting to Islam. These new converts added a dynamism and sense of urgency to Islamic growth that hasn't been seen in centuries. Immigrant Muslims began to see people who chose Islam and thus their own sense of Islam's worth began to peak. This brought a new realization in the minds of many Muslim parents which has given rise to the impetus to build separate schools dedicated to Islamically-oriented education.
Middle-aged Muslim parents, who became Mosque-going and religious in the sense of being practicing believers began to notice something very alarming. They had, like all other immigrants before them, taken for granted the fact that their children wouldn't follow the cultural customs of the old country. But what many parents in the Eighties found, much to their horror, was that their teenage children were not only devoid of Islamic knowledge, but that they actually rejected any Islamic identity and preferred to live as non-Muslims in their values, motivations and habits. If the family lived in the city, the children imitated urban youth culture. If the home was in the suburbs, the children were cool boys and society girls. Their children were dating, wearing revealing clothes, drinking or taking drugs and generally followed the negative cultural habits that modern society is guilty of promoting. They were everything but Muslims.
Thus, from the late Eighties until today, millions of dollars have been spent by parents and community organizations to try and get their wayward children into Islam. I intentionally did not say "back into" Islam because in most cases, the parents honestly failed to teach their children the beliefs, practices and values of Islam. Their children were never Muslims in the full sense of the word to begin with. As I have taught in full-time Muslim schools, Sunday schools, summer schools and youth camps for almost eight years now I have personally witnessed this phenomenon. Now many new parents, seeing the spiritual carnage wrought in the older children of their fellow community members, are vowing to put their children from the start in Islamic schools.
Muslims, as evidenced by a surge of articles in Islamic magazines, often lament that there is literally an entire generation of kids lost to Islam and enamored of the wealth-driven, fast-paced modern spiritually-barren lifestyle. Muslim parents are, of course, joined in their lament by parents from other faiths as well. Thus in the mid-Eighties, large numbers of Muslim parents began enrolling their children in Sister Clara Muhammad schools. These were the schools set up by African-American Muslims in the Seventies and Eighties as part of the whole program of separate education promoted by the then, Nation of Islam. Many people outside of the Nation of Islam, who knew the spiritual damage that a public (in many peoples' minds read: anti-values or permissive) school education would do to their children's identity, also supported these schools..
But these schools were not in every area and were often located in inner cities, thus lacking appeal for many immigrant Muslims, especially of the professional class. The next great phase of school building began in the late Eighties and continues to this day in which large numbers of Muslim professionals and religious leaders are banding together to start school projects. In some cases, a local Mosque would start a school, much like a Catholic Church might do. In other cases, schools were started independent of any religious organization. I have personally compiled a list of nearly one hundred and fifty schools which have opened in the last two to ten years.
Most of these new, immigrant sponsored schools have had a very humble beginning. Some began in houses while others as rented space in Mosques. A few had good funding from their inception and had the good fortune to start off with adequate facilities. The fail or success window for Muslim schools seems to be about five years. Almost all of these schools are totally dependent on student tuition. In the beginning of such school projects, local Muslim families are often resistant to send their children to the Muslim schools feeling that the level of education is low. Thus many schools seem perpetually in the red in their first few years. Ironically, after the parents lose their children from Islam they become more interested in the Islamic schools. There are countless inquiries in Islamic schools' offices about Islamic High Schools. But of course, because of lack of funding and support to begin with, most schools never get above sixth or eighth grade.
Salaries paid to teachers are extremely low. The starting yearly wage at the average school is between 10,000 and 18,000 dollars. Realistically, after taxes, this income is really not much to live on. Thus only those who can't find a job somewhere else are likely to apply, save the few stalwart activists (like myself) who dream of sacrificing in the cause of God and saving the next generation. Thus it is true, with the exception of a few, based on this and many other factors, that the level of education is sometimes lower than in the average public school, at least from the standpoint of teacher qualification. This is just a fact of life as I have personally witnessed it in almost a dozen schools I've either worked in, visited or where I've been invited to lecture.
Why Muslim Schools?
Then what is the advantage in sending a child to a Muslim school? I could discuss many other physical short-comings of the schools, but it would not add to the main point of this article. What we want to know is if there are any advantages to enrolling children in a school that claims to be based on spiritual motivations. Muslim parents have no real objection to enrolling their children in religious-oriented schools as substantial anecdotal evidence suggests that there are thousands of Muslim children enrolled in Catholic schools throughout the nation. In the latter situation, most of the children come out as irreligious as if they had attended a public school.
In relation, attendance in a Christian school may not always provide a values/moral education that is in alignment with the Islamic code of life. This is an issue that many Muslim parents seem to overlook when they make the initial decision to send their children to such parochial schools. To understand the problem on the flip-side, what would you think of Christian or Jewish parents sending their children to a Muslim school? The first thought that would come to mind is that those parents are not really committed to their own religious teachings.
Clearly, something must be fueling the tremendous rise in the numbers of Muslim schools. As was previously mentioned, large numbers of Muslim families have "lost" their children from Islam. Even as the parents were rediscovering the worth of Islam, they failed to realize that Islam, like Christianity, requires a personal realization experience. Thus, one is not born into the religion like Jews are born into Judaism. Islam is not an ethnically based phenomenon. This is the tragedy of growing up in a Muslim country. Even though few in one's immediate family practices Islam, all still say I am a Muslim. This dynamic doesn't work in an environment such as North America, which offers many lifestyle and identity choices.
Thus many parents have set aside traditional concerns about the financial goals oriented education in favor of building a solidly based Islamic identity in their children. I remember one student who came from a family of nine kids. She was the youngest and was the only one of her siblings to be enrolled in our Islamic school in Michigan. When she was asked in a class discussion why she was sent here, she replied, mimicking her parents, "They wanted at least one good one." After I met her older siblings and witnessed their crude urban behavior and roughness, I knew what she meant. Although her family was settled and wealthy, Islam, as a lifestyle, was absent and thus the children were lost.
Although management in most Muslim schools has not been perfected and funding is scarce, there is a unique process at work. Indeed, despite the financial and organizational difficulties, there is quite a special environment fostered in a setting where there are zero guns, drugs, alcohol and urban-pop-culture. There is order and civility. Not perfect order, mind you, as children will be children, but much more discipline is present in an Islamic school than in any public school, especially in urban areas. I have met so many teachers who taught in public schools and then left because of stress. When they came to work in the Islamic schools they had nothing but praise for the nice, friendly environment. Some Muslim schools hire non-Muslim teachers in times of need who also often comment on the order and friendly nature of the children. Remove fear and positive human values shine forth.
In fact, the biggest discipline problem every Islamic school faces every year, according to my experience, is in the enrollment of children who are coming directly from public schools. These children are often lazy, disrespectful, loud, unable to follow directions and foul-mouthed. They disrupt classes for up to three months until they are finally calmed into discipline and follow along with the positive peer pressure of order and congeniality. That's the biggest single advantage of a Muslim school: the environment is more disciplined and thus, although the level of education is sometimes perceived to be lower, the children are able to learn much more than their public school counterparts (given that many youthful distractions are absent.) Even dating is forbidden and classroom seating usually puts all the girls on one side of the room and the boys on the other from about grade five onward. Most Islamic schools score consistently higher on standardized state exams than their public school counterparts. Thus the educational level is in reality higher, not lower, as one would expect.
The main physical features which make the school Islamic revolve around dress, prayer and the addition of certain subjects. Most Muslim schools require uniforms, as many private schools do, with the addition that girls are required to wear the Islamic-style head scarf from about grade four and up. Afternoon prayers are held daily and every Friday the children gather to hear the weekly Friday sermon. This service is called Jumu'ah in Arabic, or the Friday Gathering, in which they hear a presentation about spirituality or some related topic. Finally, as a part of the academic schedule, children have classes devoted to Islam and Arabic. These daily classes are reinforced with actual practice throughout the day in interaction with teachers, other students and visitors.
So profound is the change in many students who have attended an Islamic school, despite whatever shortcomings there are, that I have personally witnessed amazing transformations. A teenage girl comes in the school with a history of boyfriends, smoking and disrespecting her parents. She leaves praying, being respectful and concerned with right and wrong. A boy comes in from public school cursing, fighting and causing enormous trouble. After six months he calms down, asks meaningful questions about God and right and wrong and restrains his anger even in tough situations.
Islamic awareness can transform even the most recalcitrant of children even as many inmates in prison accept it and turn their lives around for the better. Such is the healing power of a spiritual orientation. The responses of the students to such an environment can be quite startling. It is almost universal that all children dislike their school principals. In some schools more than others. That being the usual situation, what children desire is meaningful stimulation, the right to feel personal pride in their identity and integrity in those who are set in authority over them.
I worked for two years in a school which had a wonderful facility. But the administration was perceived by the students to be plagued with injustice and capriciousness. Therefore, the students were often in a state of rebelliousness. (The unique thing for me was that they were using Islamic principles as a rallying point.) I worked for two years in another school that was so financially strapped it was operated in a Mosque's basement. But the students were reasonably satisfied with the administration and thus there was general peace.
In addition, the first school mentioned above, although it had a soccer field, gym and real classrooms, the students always compared it to their old public schools and found it wanting in amenities. At the second school, there wasn't even a formal playground nor decent classroom. But because the local (urban) public schools were so violent and chaotic, no one complained that two grades were in every class or that office-style partitions were the only "walls" there. They were happy to be in a safe environment.
Summary
The Islamic schools in the U.S. are hardly perfect educational environments, yet they provide what is often missing in other schools. Mainly, they tend to have smaller teacher-student ratios, more discipline, a spiritual orientation and an environment conducive to learning. Muslims who wish Islam to become part of the permanent religious mosaic of North America need such schools to assist in this cause. That is not to say a Muslim child is automatically lost if he or she attends a public school, but it would make it much easier for a child to feel the "Muslim environment" a feeling that their immigrant parents might have tasted in their home countries. This is useful given that anti-Islamic messages bombard every moment of a child's interaction with the wider society, whether on TV, in print or by raunchy music videos, etc... In addition, defamation of Islam is a standard practice in movies, magazines and public school textbooks.
Islam is a faith that must be lived in a community even as it requires individual awareness. The same motivation which prompted Irish Catholics and Orthodox Jews to build Catholic schools and Yeshivas is what drives Muslim communities to want schools of their own. The identity and values of Islam are just as susceptible to outside assimilation as any other belief system.
As long as increasing numbers of Muslim parents begin to realize that their faith must be taught and lived to survive, Muslim schools will continue to grow and be built. Will most of them survive twenty years from now when the next generations, born and raised in America, assume their place? No one can say for sure. But if the track record of Catholic schools is any indicator, they will likely stabilize at some sustainable level and remain a constant in the educational fabric of North America for a long time to come. The key will be if they make a positive impact on future generations and in the society as well.
In the end, as with any belief system and world-view, Islam will only survive ultimately if the parents themselves practice in the home what their children are learning in school. Although Muslims come from a very multi-ethnic Diaspora in North America, the unity of the Islamic faith has demonstrated that Islam can make a valuable contribution to the societal ills which plague the modern world. Islam's firm stand against racism, for example, is best demonstrated by the children who attend Islamic schools. If such schools prosper, then there may be viable solutions to aid in the reconstruction of American society. Solutions which are unique to Islam, such as the abolition of racism, the banning of the scourge of alcohol and the emphasis on respect among all people, and from which the wider society may gain benefit.
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